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March 21, 2016

Weigh Ins!

Yesterday I weighed in and registered for the Golden Gloves tournament! The day was quite the experience……

5 AM

I set my alarm for 5 am even though the weigh ins were scheduled to begin at 10 AM. I have been struggling to get to my fight weight for a while. After talking to my coach two weeks ago, he really eased my mind that the weight would come off and the more I worried about it the harder it would be. He really made me feel better about it and the weight came off. My weight class is 141 pounds. My coach was expecting 138 on the scale. This will allow me to fuel for fighting but not kick me overweight for weigh ins. I FINALLY started seeing the right numbers last week. So when I set my alarm for 5 AM, I knew I would be at weight but I got up any way just to check. If I was overweight, I’d spend the morning running on a treadmill in trash bags……..

I stepped on the scale and held my breath. 137.2. Not only had I made weight but I had an extra a pound just in case. So I went back to bed J

8 AM

At 8 I got up to meet my fellow fighters at the boxing gym. There are 5 of us going under the Touch of Sleep name. I was hoping we were all at weight and the morning would go smoothly. When I arrived, I saw one of my fellow fighters sprinting on the treadmill in three sweat suits. I was SO thankful that wasn’t me. I had prepared SO much that I made sure I didn’t have to do that and it worked. I’ve been counting every calorie and watching every nutrient to not end up in that situation. It felt good to relax and not have to worry. 8It came time to leave and we all got in the car.

10 AM

We got to the weigh ins early and got our places in line. I knew for sure that I was registered for the tournament but there was a problem with all the other fighters. I quickly checked in and headed to the weigh in lines. The lady took me back to the scale alone. I was nervous and excited about seeing the number. I knew I was at weight. I didn’t eat or drink anything since 7pm the night before. Before I stepped on the scale, in my bra and underwear no less, I took a deep breath. Here it was. The moment that I’d been waiting for. A whole year of training was coming down to this. I could never prove to myself or anyone else how good or hard my training was if I couldn’t make weight. I’ve never had to be a certain number for anyone other than myself. When I stepped on the scale, I almost cried. 136.5. Not only had I made weight, I had come in 4.5 pounds under.

**To be clear, 136.5 is not what I consider a healthy weight for me. I prefer my body at 145 or so. But this is the boxing world, it’s just how it works.

The woman weighing me in didn’t know anything about me. She didn’t know I used to be 290+ pounds. She didn’t know my journey or all the work I’d put in to see that number. There was no shouts of congratulations or looks of astonishment. To her, I was just another boxer trying to make weight. But I knew. I knew everything that number represented. I knew the tears, the sweat and the bruises I’d gone through to get there. Even though I’ve been officially training for a year, it’s been more like 3. It felt like the culmination of my whole journey. It was different than crossing a finish line because this time, it’s the starting line.

I got dressed and had my doctor check. And just like that, I’m qualified to fight. All of my fellow fighters made weight as well (even if we had to wait another hour for all of them to get through registration!)

The whole situation felt a little anticlimactic. I knew it wouldn’t be a celebration for me but it’s been so long coming that I couldn’t believe how fast it was over. But now the real fight begins. Each day we don’t find out who is scheduled to fight until that day. So now there’s a balancing dance between training and waiting for your fight. Will it be tomorrow? The next day? There’s no way to know…..

Obviously I’m really good at waiting. I love to schedule my life down to the T. I like having control of what’s going on. So instead I’m learning even more lessons about myself and my constant problem with control. It’s hard to be anxious when you don’t have anything to be anxious about. I thought I’d be a wreck but I’m doing alright with the waiting……….for now. 10250102_1726232567611968_4506162408645246567_n

January 31, 2016July 12, 2017

My Fight Weight Fight

So I’m now in training mode and focused on competing in the Golden Gloves. I’m training 8-10 hours a week and trying to trim to my fight weight of 141 pounds. 141 pounds. That’s small. I’ve been at 141 pounds before and maintained it for 6 weeks or so just to make sure I could even be that small, and for the record: I think I’m too skinny at that weight. Regardless, this is the weight my coaches have determined is the safest weight for me.

It’s actually quite difficult to think about what my true weight is. After dropping over 50% of my body weight, I pretty much have loose skin…..everywhere. So…..it’s hard to calculate my real weight, muscle mass or body fat. So I’ve been obsessed with getting to that number again and I’ve been really struggling. I have been eating within my calories everyday. I have been working out more. I have haven’t have a sweet treat (soda, candy, cupcake, cookie……) all month. I have totally cut alcohol out. And the scale………kept going up. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.

My elbows hurt all the time. My knee hurts every day. My should hurts every day. Weird aches and pains pop up all throughout the day. Am I going to be able to: 1. Stay in one piece until March? 2. Make fight weight? 12510425_10103151284597509_1504549280907727655_n

So I reached out to my amazing friend, Jessica Kidd, once again. She is studying for her nutrition degree and often has to make a certain weight or look for events. I knew she could help. I know I still have almost two months to get to fight weight, but I’m starting to go to an unhealthy place about it and I want to make sure I do it right.

At first she noticed that I wasn’t eating enough. My body was pretty much in starvation mode and if I didn’t increase my calories, I would never drop the weight. I know it seems CRAZY. But if you aren’t eating enough, you body saves every last calorie because it doesn’t think it’s ever going to get calories again. But if you feed it when it asks, it learns to take what it needs and throw the rest away. My body was saving everything because it needed everything. I lost my ‘excess weight’ quickly. But then it started coming back.

I reached out to Jessica again.

Since I’ve been tracking my food in Myfitnesspal (LOVE!) I could simply send her a photo of what I’d been eating and my nutrients. She noticed right away that my protein was too low and my fats were too high. Honestly, I usually don’t pay much attention to anything but my calories and sugar. I’ve gotten away with this for a looooong time. But I’m training differently now. I’m training as an amateur athlete. (What?!) So I have to provide my body with different things. She told me the new levels she would suggest and I reset my app. I went shopping the next day and prepped food for the whole week. And. It. Worked.

I’m finally dropping some of my ‘excess weight’ that my body has been holding on to. I thought I was getting enough of what I needed because my body was still going. But now I realize how much my body was telling me it needed something different. Now that I’m eating the way I need to, it’s not complaining. My elbows don’t hurt. My knee is only sore after running. My shoulder doesn’t hurt. I feel so much more put together and stronger. And the scale has agreed. I’m not to fight weight consistently yet, but I’m getting there!

December 3, 2015December 3, 2015

I’m in a video ?!

Wow I really need to update that picture! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Recently my trainer and gym have been expanding their marketing and were shooting a short ‘promo’ video.

So this is basically totally bizarre for me in a way that might be hard to understand. When I look at this video, I can see that it’s me and I recognize myself, but it’s hard for me to believe that’s actually me. Who would put me in this cool video? Why aren’t I cut out?

When you spend the majority of your life in the shadows of society, it’s really weird when you aren’t anymore. When I was overweight, I wasn’t a wallflower by any means. What I mean by “shadow of society” is that no one really notices you. Men don’t look at you twice. Women dismiss you immediately. Even though everyone can see you, it’s like they never notice you. Now people see me all the time. I get the “Skinny Bitch” face all the time. ( you know what I’m talking about) Men look at me. Sometimes it’s the man with a woman ON HIS ARM that’s looking at me. (which I really freaking hate by the way).

I’ve been struggling with my identity in society for a while now (Read Here) but regardless of what ‘box’ I’m in now, it’s still weird to ME, which I think it most important. I can agree that the girl in this video looks good and fit. I agree that she doesn’t look like she has loose skin or literally lost half of her body. I can even ALMOST agree that that girl looks hot. But it still just doesn’t quite feel like me. I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will.

I’m the girl that gets cut out. I’m the girl that doesn’t have hardly any photos of her whole body for almost a decade. I’m the girl that stands in the back to hide her body from the camera. I’m the girl that would NEVER be filmed in a video. Right? Well. Apparently not. Do I have to spend equal amount of years in this body that I did in that body before it will fell like mine? That means I’ll feel normal in this body when……I’m…..50?! Let’s hope that’s not true.

November 23, 2015January 5, 2016

My First Real Sparring

Last year I wrote tips about how to keep thin on Thanksgiving each day of the week. Don’t forget to go back and check them out!

Last week, I finally had my first real experience “fighting” in the ring. First let’s be clear. A fight is when your in the ring to win a sanctioned match. When you’re training it’s called sparring. Just a note 😉

Most of you know that I’ve been taking boxing training for almost a year. I box almost everyday and I never get tired of it! I’ve been toying with the idea of actually competing in the amateur tournament, Colorado Golden Gloves for most of that time. A few things were holding me back: I hadn’t had enough experience in the ring to know if I had what it takes and……the hubby wasn’t hot about the idea.

After nearly 6 months of training I felt like I had good enough skills and wanted to open up the idea of fighting. After Dan came to the gym a few times and watched me, he agreed that I could try fighting if I wanted to. My trainer, Jameson Bostic, agreed that I should start sparring (unsanctioned fights at the gym) more so I could get more experience. After a few successful spars at the gym, one of the other trainers approached me about sparring with his client. We set the spar for the next day.

Right away my trainer had no worries. He knew that if I could just do what I know, I would be successful. But that is a BIG if. Up until now, I had never fought 100% against another person. It’s rare to spar with someone of your ability and weight. To make it safe and fair, we usually have rules when we spar. Sometimes you can only use your left had, sometimes I’m told not to go 100%, sometimes you’re only on defense or offense, sometimes I don’t get hit at all. While I had several sparring sessions under my belt, I had never gone 100% against another girl with both hands.

I was nervous ALL DAY. It had been a long time since I had taken hits in the ring to the face or head. My partner, Brandi, had experience and about 20 pounds (?) on me. I knew she would hit and she would hit hard. Would I freeze? Would I cry? What would happen? Jameson knew I was nervous and sent me messages throughout the day. When I arrived at the gym, I was more excited than nervous. Today was the day. Today was the day I’d know if I wanted to get in the ring and compete. And it was…………FREAKING AWESOME.

Some people think boxing is just violence with rules. I used to not be able to watch boxing or MMA on TV because I thought it was violent and gross. My first time sparring another girl the whole time I thought, “Why is she trying to hurt me?” But now I can see the sport that is in boxing. When I’m in my corner, I’m not thinking about hurting the other person. I’m thinking about beating them at their own game. I’m thinking about when they throw that punch I’m going to be right there throwing back. I’m thinking about their rhythm and dominant side and how I’m going to throw them off. I’m not thinking about how much it’s going to hurt because it doesn’t.

During the round, my adrenaline is so high, I barely feel getting hit. I’m more focused on the timing and her errors. We fought three rounds. My coach and I were hoping to go longer but her coach called it. Meaning…….I kicked her ass. See below for a breakdown of the rounds.

It felt INCREDIBLE. To be clear, it’s not punching the other girl, making her bleed, or even injuring her that felt incredible. Beating her at her own game felt incredible. Being the faster, smarter and stronger fighter felt incredible. Knowing that all the work I’d put in, all the sweat and tears felt incredible. Seeing the look on my trainer’s face and knowing he was proud was incredible. Over coming my own insecurities of not being good enough was like flying to the moon. I lived off the high of winning my first real spar for a few days. There’s no feeling quite like proving yourself wrong or realizing you can do whatever you want to do. You’d think that I’d gotten used to breaking the odds or overcoming new goals, but thankfully it just gets better and better.

Click here to view the whole fight via Google Drive

Round One: I spent WAY too much time trying to feel her out. I was trying to find her rhythm and I was on the defense. My trainer expected her to fight much differently so I spent some time trying to figure out their plan instead of destroying their plan.

Round Two: During round two I fought much better. I spent less time worrying about what she was going to do and put my plan in motion. There was even a moment in round 2 that she gave up and dropped her hands. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do so I stopped too! But I knew in round 2 I was going to ‘win’. Her punches weren’t strong enough and I was able to anticipate her throws quite a few times. After two right hands from me her mouth started to bleed.

Round Three: Brandi stopped about a minute into round three. She had hurt her shoulder and her coach didn’t want to continue.

Overall I’m really happy with how I fought. Watching back the video, I can see all sorts of things that I did wrong. I missed opportunities and always go to the left. But instead of beating myself up about the errors, I’m still holding my head high for getting in!

September 7, 2015September 10, 2015

My Identity

These past few days and weeks I’ve had a lot of new people asking me about my health, diet and fitness. While it feels super awesome to inspire others and lend and ear, it has gotten me thinking a lot about my identity.

My Obese Identity

When I was morbidly obese, I always knew I was ‘the fat one’. I didn’t want this to be true but it was either way I look at it. What I mean is, how would your friends fill in this sentence:

“Oh you’ve met her, she’s the ______ we had dinner with the other night…..”

When filling in that sentence for me, undoubtedly that blank would be filled with FAT ONE. And who could blame anyone? My obesity was tied up in my identity. I’ve said this many times on this site but I’ll say it again: Being obese is like carrying the thing to hate most about yourself on the outside where everyone can see it. I do think there are other things that could have filled that blank when I was obese like: the music teacher. But that’s my job, which I love, not who I am. I didn’t want to be known for being the fat one OR for just being a music teacher. Being “THE FAT ONE” was never my true identity but I thought it was at the time.

My Identity Now

I know that this sentence is much much different for me now. There’s so much emotional work that goes along with changing what you look like. One thing I wasn’t prepared for on my journey, was how others would respond to me. I’ve changed my identity in society. Everyone puts everyone in boxes all day long. I’m slotted into a much different box of stereotypes now than I was before. This is both good and bad. BUT I’m so proud of the things that I would fill that sentence with about myself now:

runner, fit girl, boxer, ninja, crazy person……

People still assume things about me all day long. When I was obese people automatically think: lazy, slow, unambitious, early death. (Which were all true) Now I think people think: Health freak, gym rat, nutrition nerd, runner (which are all kinda true too…..) The point is, I’m ok with my identity in society now. If someone thinks I’m too muscley, I’ll take that EVERYDAY over being half way to a heart attack. If someone assumes I spend 10 hours a days at the gym because of how I look, I’m ok with that stereotype too. I didn’t just change the way I look on the outside and the way I feel on the inside. I changed who I am to the entire world. Pretty freakin cool.

August 18, 2015

What I Want You To See

I’ve had a lot of experiences in the past few weeks that I will be posting and writing about. But this week, I stumbled across a photo on Instagram that I just had to share. It stopped me in my tracks and it has haunted me for days.

Photographer: Meg Gaiger (Happyimages), via Instagram

This photo gives me mixed emotions everytime: sad and horrified but I also understand the girl in this picture.

All through my childhood I felt like this girl. No matter how active I was or what I ate, I always felt bigger and fatter than my peers. Even when I look back at photos of my young self and see that I was pretty normal, it isn’t how I felt. I don’t remember idolizing models or movie stars in my Tiger Beat but I remember looking at others. I always wanted to be as thin as my sister. I wanted to wear a bikini like my friends at the local beach. I wanted to be a starter on the basketball team instead of second or third string.

BUT I did not know how to do it in a healthy way and didn’t know I could ask for help. I remember having body issues as young as 4th grade, maybe sooner. Things only got worse through middle and high school.

In 6th grade, I got bullied by one girl in particular. She would make me feel fat and ugly all the time. She and her friends would laugh at me from across the hallway or in the back of the room. I never understood why she choose me or why she bullied me. I’ll never know, but it effected how I started to see myself. I started to notice more and more how I was different. I was taller and a little heavier. By the end of middle school and going in to high school, I did not have a healthy self image. I was constantly judging myself against others. When I was in high school, I realized I could change how I looked. Throughout the four years of high school I experimented with anorexia, bulimia, water pills, diet pills and weight loss bars or shakes. No one seemed to notice that I was struggling. I never stuck to one method for long enough for it to be that noticeable. My friends didn’t even know.

My senior year of high school was the hardest. My family experienced quite a lot of stress that year and it was easy to hide in the back ground. I lost over 30 pounds by starving myself. I would eat one or two diet bars a day and diet soda. When you’re at school all day, have an after school job, and then musical rehearsal until 9 pm, it’s easy to hide your eating habits. I could drive myself everywhere and my parents were always at an appointment or work. It wasn’t their fault, no one really knew. I don’t remember why I stopped. My focus shifted to moving to college I suppose. While I feel like this was one of the hardest times in my life, my confusion about health and eating continued until just recently.

When I look at the photo above, I am that girl. But what I truly worry about it is young girls seeing me now. I don’t want ANYONE to ever look at me and feel bad about themselves. Every day I get the “Skinny Bitch Face” from someone. I always want to stop them and explain my story and who I am. I wish I could wear a shirt that says “Healthy NOT Skinny”. This was my goal all along. I want young girls to see me and think “I want to be healthy like her!” I want them to see me running down the street and want to be able to do what I can do. I NEVER want a young girl to see me and feel bad about themselves or make the kinds of choices that I did when I was young.

But how to spread this message……..

July 31, 2015August 1, 2015

Vacation #1

This past week I traveled home to the Midwest. I was a little nervous about seeing my family after a full year of not seeing them. I’ve changed both physically and emotionally in the last year. But family is always family……..right?

I had a lot of first moments on this trip. My whole life I’ve looked up to my sister. Stephanie is two years older than me and is a stay-at-home mom. She is raising three beautiful and well-behaved children who are already turning into outstanding little humans. Through our childhood I was constantly jealous of my sister. She was always taller, skinnier and prettier. My parents did a good job of loving us the same way and giving us the same opportunities. I was never jealous that she was the older sibling and I was the younger, but it definitely effects your development.

As a younger sibling, a lot of times I felt like I was in her shadow. She was the first to do everything: walk, talk, date, break curfew, sneak out of the house…… It bothered me for a long time through adolescence that everything I did had already been done. Then in high school I started to create my own path that lead me to who I am today. I think it just takes a while for siblings of the same sex to be individuals. Even after I had grown to be an adult, I still felt a lot of the same things from childhood. Steph was still skinnier, healthier and prettier. Even my mother was skinnier and healthier than I was. I thought my place in the family was the ‘fat one’. I thought I had my mom’s physique and always envied my sister for having my father’s. My family would gently express their concern for my weight but I felt like I didn’t ‘fit’ in my family for a long time and getting skinny wouldn’t change that. Well for this trip, I finally felt like I physically fit in my own family. I do have my father’s physique; I just could never see it.

Being able to fit in physically allowed me to have a lot more fun. We went hiking, which I never would have done before. We went to the public pool where I was seen in a bathing suit! I even went off of the diving board, letting everyone see me in all my glory. Other than a few times already this summer, I hadn’t been to a public pool in years. I had not gone off a diving board since I was dating my husband or went to summer camp. I was fit enough to feel confident doing flips and fun dives. I would have missed out on this bonding time and fun with my family if I hadn’t changed my life. On a two-mile hike, I was able to talk and run with my niece, whom I don’t get to see very often. My niece Phoebe is my twin. She is the middle sibling in her family and reminds me so much of myself. She’s quirky, caring, funny, helpful and a little awkward. We were able to talk and laugh with each other in a way we hadn’t before. Another important bonding experience I would have been on the sidelines for.

Being physically fit and being happy with my body made me feel like I fit in my family for the first time. They never excluded me from these events before but I would find a way to exclude myself because I wasn’t comfortable. I was holding myself back from knowing and loving my family in the way I wanted to, with my weight. Having that weight gone left so much more room to bond with them.

I have a much, much different life than my immediate and most of my extended family. Almost everyone in my family is conservative, religious and lives in a rural area. I’m very liberal and love living in what my mother calls “The Big City”. My family and I don’t agree on a lot of political topics or major societal issues; so sometimes I feel like I don’t quite fit in mentally either. This is not a result from them. They are always interested in my opinions and don’t try to pressure me to come their side of the issue. On rare occasion we can agree on things, like Donald Trump’s hair.

While I do not expect these parts of our relationship to change anytime soon, I found that with my confidence up, so were my opinions. I’ve never been one to hold back my thoughts or change my beliefs for the crowd I’m in. But, in the past it’s been hard not to back down or just leave my opinion out. This time, I felt like I not only had confidence in my body, but since I’ve done a lot of emotional work, my beliefs are stronger. I felt like I could say what I meant more clearly. While I still have A LOT to figure out, I felt more confident emotionally as well. This made me feel closer to my family, like I was letting them see who I really am. It made me feel like I fit in, even though we are so different.

Another big change in my trip this time was my ability to stay calm. I know for sure this is a result of exercise and specifically boxing. I usually get nervous to fly but not for the actual flight. I hate the process at the airport and always worry I’ll lose luggage or something will come up that makes me miss my flight. I felt a lot more calm and confident about flying and getting through the airport. I even had a connecting flight, which I’d never done before. The whole time I felt a lot less anxious than ever before.

Usually on a trip, I like to know what we are eating the next day, where are we going, how long will it take to get there, when will we come back……… This time it was a lot easier to just roll with the punches. I felt like I was able to give up control and just enjoy my time, most of the time. I knew there was nothing they’d ask me to do that was uncomfortable or I couldn’t do physically. This made me less anxious the entire trip. I even slept better and didn’t get ‘travel belly’.

The whole trip was awesome and I loved t almost every minute. (Being eaten to death by mosquitoes in 98% humidity can just never be fun for me) If I hadn’t lost the weight and worked on my mentality, I wouldn’t have enjoyed this trip as much. I would have missed out on essential bonding with my nieces and nephews. I would have worried the whole time. AND I didn’t even realize how much I was missing before. I would have never even known. I wouldn’t have this beautiful picture of me and my sister.

June 23, 2015

If Only

Yesterday, I stumbled across this article in the LA Times:

Obese Americans now outnumber those who are merely overweight, study says

We have been expecting this to happen for sometime now and in certain age groups, it has. And I can’t believe how sad it is.

Now that I’ve ‘finished’ my weightloss journey, I continually have mixed feelings about it. It’s weird the emotional issues that still arise. But today I want to focus on the physical changes of losing weight, and forget about the mental ones. Physically, I consider my fitness journey complete. I am more than happy with my body’s image and abilities. I can do nearly everything I’ve ever wanted to do. I still set goals and find it fun to see how much farther I can push my body. Even though I haven’t stopped, I feel I’ve crossed the finish line physically.

The difference in what my body can do now is amazing. I’m not posting this to brag or seek compliments but to inspire those that are trying to start. When I was obese, the list of things that would exhaust me for the day was extensive: helping a friend move, doing laundry all day up two flights of stairs, shopping at multiple stores ……basically life was exhausting. Now I run around all day and do a million things and then still go to the gym. My energy level and ability to get things done is SO much higher.

I no longer worry about where my body can fit. I don’t spend an ounce of energy on chairs, restaurant seats, shopping aisles or public transport. I never worry about how far I park from the store or walking to meet up with a friend. I am going to a wedding shower this weekend and don’t have to worry about being ‘the fat friend’. I just fit in.

If anyone that is morbidly obese like I was could walk in my shoes for a day, they’d lose the weight. If anyone could feel the back-to-back difference of being morbidly obese to healthy weight, it would be all the motivation they needed. But, it’s the gradual decrease in weight and the very slow increase of fitness that derails most people in the dieting process. DON’T STOP.

Today’s post feels a little wander-y but my point is: IT’S TIME. It’s time to do something about it. Look around you and how your weight is effecting every part of your life. You’ve been telling yourself that it isn’t but take a good look. Today. Keep a list of all the things you change throughout your day because of your weight. Make a list of all the people you’re doing it for. Today is the day. Do it. NOW.

May 23, 2015

Swimsuit Shopping…..

Last week, after the half marathon, I REALLY wanted to get in a hot tub. I quickly realized I have no friends with a hot tub and I’m too cheap to pay to go anywhere. Then I realized, even if I knew someone, I didn’t have a swimming suit. The last time I bought a swimming suit was last June maybe. That was 4 pants sizes ago and probably 20 to 30 pounds. Needless to say, when I tried on my old suit, it wouldn’t hardly stay on my body.

So it’s that time again; the time every woman hates. I have to go swimsuit shopping. I have to admit that I was actually really excited about it. I haven’t tried on swimsuits since I was a kid. In my fat days, I would just order one and hope for the best. Since I rarely had to wear it around people, it didn’t really matter how it fit or what it looked like.

But now I have a body that I actually kind of like. Note the: kind of attached to that sentence. A lot of people don’t really get it. Yes I lost a ton of weight. Yes my pants are 1/4 the size that they used to be. Yes I feel awesome and confident about myself. But, that doesn’t mean that I’m happy with how my body looks. I’ve worked really hard to look how I do but there are some things that hard work is never going to change. My skin will always be loose. My stomach will never be flat or a six pack. My body will never look like a fitness model but it’s my own damn fault.

In some ways I’ve accepted it. I no longer care about changing my shirt at the gym or wearing more revealing clothing. I wear tank tops again and shorts even though it shows my loose skin. I’ve come to accept it in some places. In some ways I don’t care at all and figure it’s other people’s problem if they don’t like it. But no one really understands it. It’s hard to find anyone who knows what it’s like to lose 50% of their body. It’s hard to put in so much work and not feel like my body looks much better. It’s hard to carry around the loose sack of who you used to be.

But it’s time to put that to rest. I’m trying to care less, but it’s hard. Someday I’ll have skin surgery but I still won’t look perfect. I’ll forever carry around who I used to be. It’s hard to realize that no matter how fit I stay for the rest of my life, there will always have been a morbidly obese version of me. Some people will always know what I used to look like. Other people only know me now and can’t imagine what that was like.

I have no before and after swim suit shot. I don’t think a photo of me exists in my swim suit before. I think today I might have taken the only ones that exist! But here goes. I’m going to post a photo of myself in a bathing suit! I didn’t buy it because I didn’t like how it fit. I even tried on a bikini just because I could. Those photos I’ll keep for myself. Here’s my purpose in posting this photo: My body isn’t perfect. Even after meeting all of my fitness and health goals, there are still things I want to change. There are other things that will never change. But I’ll continue to love myself, push myself and try to accept the body that I have.

April 1, 2015April 1, 2015

UNDERstanding

Please advise: This entire post is about underwear!

Last weekend, we cleaned out our bedroom closet. By clean I mean, emptied the entire thing and put everything back in. In the mean time we also swapped our winter clothes for summer, since spring has sprung here in Colorado. After moving a shelf out of the way, I found a very old pair of underwear. Don’t worry, they were clean!

When I checked the size, they were 18/20. They didn’t seem that big really. So I tried them on. Even over my jeans, they were hilarious. I’m now wearing a size 6 or 8 regularly. One of the things I had the hardest time with when losing weight was underwear. Here’s my advice: Most places have a buy 5 for 25 deal or something similar. Buy 5 different cuts in the size that you think you are. Decide later which ones you actually like. Wear them around the house before getting stuck in uncomfortable drawers the whole work day. I have a problem buying pairs I think are fine and then I hate them when I wear them in real life. Some are great for working out but not for work. Others are awesome for running but not cross training. Buy lots of different kinds and narrow it from there.

One of the joys of wearing a smaller size underwear is that I can buy the cute pairs now that say things on them! Before if I tried, you could never actually read what the said. Or the cute pattern all stretched out, didn’t look the same. Now when my hubby sees me sans drawers, he often chuckles and I forget it’s because my butt says something! (Yes this pic is a repost, but they are hilarious!)