Category: Emotions

So this week it was back to work! Personal trainers work by the hour and don’t get sick days. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid, so it was essential that I get back to work. It was a really hard decision of when was the right time and I don’t think I did make the right decision in the end. However, I made it, just with a lot of support and tears.

Monday: Recovery Day 15

Going back to work on Monday was incredibly hard. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay home forever even though I was feeling isolated. What if I returned and didn’t meet everyone expectations? I was anxious all weekend working up to it. I didn’t expect it to be too hard phyiscally because I had felt my stamina getting better and better through the weekend. I didn’t sleep much at all the night before. I’ve been having trouble sleeping this whole process. My body is used to expending 3000-3500 cals a day including my basal metabolic rate and running a 5K at minimum. Right now I take two flights of stairs a day and sit as much as possible. My expenditure is 2000-2200 calories a day and…….I can’t sleep. I just don’t need it like I usually do. I lay in bed anyway but I don’t sleep much. I know my body is still using a lot of energy to heal so I haven’t adjusted my food too much but I can definitely tell my sleep cycle is off.

Going into work Monday morning, I cried the whole way. I was nervous, tired, sore and didn’t know how I was gonna do this. I had a four hour shift and then an evening class to teach. Everyone asked how I was doing. Everyone seemed sympathetic and wanted to help me. My colleague carried my bags from the parking lot. Everyone kept telling me to sit down and barely touched me when they hugged me. AND EVERYONE STARED.

I think I give off a certain energy at the gym on a normal day. I walk very quickly, have a bubbly smile and have been working on my posture for the last year. So when I’m walking in slightly hunched from the closest space in the parking lot and barely have the energy to smile, let a lone say hello? It felt terrible. I hated not being myself. I felt like everyone was starting at me. The people that knew looked at me with pity. The people that didn’t looked at me with confusion and judgement. It felt like being morbidly obese. I didn’t expect that at all. For a few hours, I felt like the elephant in the room that I used to be.

After crying in Gary’s office, I knew it was all in my head. Even if people were staring and judging, should I even care? I had spent two weeks controlling my environment and choosing who could see me and when. Being thrown back in the workplace was difficult and uncomfortable. I wanted to leave and hide from the moment I got there. BUT I didn’t. I got through my lifting and boxing classes, mostly from a seated position. As soon as I could I went home and rested. Then completed my class in the evening, also shouting from a chair in the corner.

Tuesday: Recovery Day 16

Tuesday felt a little easier and a little harder. I was at work for 8 hours that day while I only completed 4 hours of work. (Trainer life, am I right?) During the hours between clients I showered and took naps on the floor in the trainers office. While I still felt a lot like I did on Monday, I was a little more relaxed and focused on what I needed. I was in a lot of pain on Monday and was needing my pills before it was time for the first time in a week. Tuesday I woke up sore and was more careful about taking the elevator and resting in a laying down position. Gravity matters people.

On Tuesdays I have private clients and Tribe class. Luckily I have a partner to help me teach class because I can’t demonstrate ANYTHING. Thanks to Shaun I was able to emotionally and physically keep it together and fake it through that hour. I immediately went home after the 8 hours and slept. I felt like I had done some reverse to my healing over those first two days. I had more pain than I’d had in a week and it left me questioning if I’d returned to work too soon. I knew my schedule was lighter the following two days so I decided to power through not knowing if it was smart and thinking most likely it was not.

Wednesday: Recovery Day 17

On Wednesday I took a big turn for the better. I got to sleep a little later that day. My drain started to decrease FINALLY. My usual day starts at 6am and I didn’t have boxing until 9 am. The chill time in the morning was exactly what I needed. I held boxing class and a session with a private running client. I focused on always taking the elevator and not using the stairs. I sat down as much as possible and tried to focus on being myself emotionally, hoping it would help me physically.

I had to return to the gym at 2pm for a photo shoot. The photos would be used for some promotional materials coming out in the New Year and specially for Tribe Team Training where I’m a coach. I could do nothing. I couldn’t hold a kettle bell. I shouldn’t be stretching my arms over head. I can’t even plank. So my photos were pretty limited. Instead of letting it get to me that I ‘couldn’t do anything’ I tried to insert myself every time I could do something. When I wasn’t needed I sat down and focused on being relaxed. I actually made it thought without getting depressed or down on my self. I completed two more sessions and went home for the night. Wednesday was the first day I DIDN’T cry, even in Gary’s office.

Thursday: Recovery Day 18

(When I write what day it is, I’m shocked how little time has actually passed!) Thursday got even better. Same sort of routine: 6 am class, a few private clients, a few naps. The more I focus on NOT doing my normal things physically, the more I feel like myself emotionally. My self image, my emotions, and my physical state are all starting to align and it feels incredible. Weird but incredible.

That afternoon I saw my surgeon. Dr. Gerow gave me and A plus on healing and gave his blessing to peel off the glue that’s been holding me together. He also gave me an appointment to have my drain removed TODAY! (Friday) So it feels like I’ve reached another finish line. While I’m not healed or recovered yet, I’m getting a lot closer and I can let my body do the work now.

Friday: Recovery Day 19

Kim’s Normal Friday Schedule:

So instead? I’m laying on my couch writing you this blog and it feels awesome. 🙂 Not only did I need a 4 day work week this week but I feel like I earned it. While each day got easier, the beginning of the week was rough and definitely showed in my body and mind. If you’re considering this surgery and can take 3 weeks off, DO IT. If I could have had even two more days it would have made a difference but hindsight is 20/20.

I was trying to make some before/after photos today and instead of using what I had, I took new ones. I put on the same bra and unders I took my before photos in and HOLY CRAP. I love the old photos more and more. They really do show how my body was stuck in that skin. My new body looks exactly how I dreamed it would. My brain is constantly catching up. Turns out there was a six pack under there and I’m still reattaching to my muscle wall. I can’t flex my abs yet but I can now sneeze and laugh without much pain. And my emotions? I’m on a high!

Days 6-12 have been a little more difficult than the first week. The better I feel the more I want to move around but I get tired really quickly…….

Day 6 – 7

On Day 6, I finally left the house!!!! That morning, I woke up to something a little scary. Up until now, the only blood I’ve seen is the blood from my drain that I measure out of its little balloon at morning and night. On Day 6, I woke up with blood running down my right leg, from my drain. I immediately woke up Dan in case we had to go to urgent care. It was dried on my leg and as soon as I sat up, more came out. Of course when it’s your own blood, it seems like a lot. I’m still not really sure how much it was. Since I had Kaiser insurance (shout out!) I called the emergency nurse line since the offices weren’t open yet. I talked to an RN that assured me it was perfectly normal. Apparently, sometimes things (like a clot or a bubble) are too big to go down the tube, so they find the nearest exit. Since I’m glued shut everywhere else, these are my only exits. As long as the drain still has suction, it’s functioning. She told me to go to Walgreens and what sort of bandages we should get. YAY! Not only do I not have to spend the whole morning at urgent care, I get to go on a field trip!

The car ride was a little uncomfortable. When you can’t brace your core for bumps and turns, you just feel everything. We made it to Walgreens and got lunch. I tired out in about an hour of being out of the house. But, it was outside none the same!

Could I have left the house sooner? Probably not by much. Since I live upstairs, that adds extra work. Also, since it’s cold out, I have to be able to stand wearing a little bit of clothes at least. I think I started wearing pants the day before this.

Day 8 – First Post Op Appointment

In the last few days leading up to this appointment, my right drain started ‘drying up’ . It was hardly getting enough fluid out to measure in what they had given me. I had a feeling they were going to take it out which was both exciting and frightening. I really just wanted to hear that everything was looking great. Since I wasn’t able to drive yet, my oldest Denver friend Melody took me. I met Melody at my first gym here, Cole Fusion. She is one of the only people left in my life that knew me from before. It was kind of exciting to have her with me.

They called me back quickly. I knew I was just seeing the nurse today but everything went really quick. The nurse brought me back and asked me how everything was going, took my blood pressure and asked about my drains. I’m so used to being mostly naked now, and texting people pictures of my naked frankenbody that I just stripped and showed her. She giggled and asked me, “Do you want a gown?” Melody laughed too. I’m so comfortable in my body now that it really doesn’t even matter. The nurse looked at each drain and my incision. She thought everything looked wonderful and the right drain should come out. Once it’s below 30 ccs in a 24 hours period, they are ready to come out. I had taken my 2nd to last pain pill an hour before my appointment because I was afraid of the drains coming out.

GRAPHIC PIC ALERT COMING SOON!

“Is this gonna hurt?” I asked her. I knew I could take it. I’d been pretty miserable at points during this and it couldn’t be worse that that. “Most people say it just stings,” she said. She was right. I took a deep breath and she pulled a bunch of tubing out of me. I didn’t watch. I have no idea how much was inside me but I could feel in snake out from beneath midsection. Pretty weird. She covered the hole in my leg and changed my other dressing. She warned me what to look for now that the drain was out. As soon as I stood up, I felt great. The drains are placed across my hip flexors and it makes it uncomfortable, especially from sitting to standing, sometimes. Not anymore! My right leg moves so much better and more comfortably.

The nurse also said my other drain would hopefully dry up soon and everything looked ahead of schedule. Then she of course asked me why I had the surgery. ***Insert story I’ve rehearsed a million times and all her typical question and responses.*** Then she had to look at my pre op photos. A few months back Dr. Gerow had taken nude photos of me to prove the procedure was medically necessary, thus paid for by my insurance. She was shocked. Melody was shocked. I was shocked. Now, when I say nude, I mean I have no clothes on my lower half. However, as I’ve mentioned, I could stand fully naked and not show my lady flower. (which Dan says I have to stop calling it…..lol)

The nurse also gave me a binder. For the last few days, wearing underwear had felt nice. The compression around my opening was quite soothing. After the doctor we went to Walgreens again and then I went home and slept for a few hours. The whole outing was exhausting. I got on here and wrote and cried and wrote and cried. It felt therapeutic in a way. Check the last post for more.

Day 9-10

On days 9 -10, I started hitting my limit. I think I spent all of day 9 alone which hadn’t happened since I’d come out of my oxy cloud. I don’t remember what I did. I don’t think I did anything, and that’s just fine too. That night a friend invited me to do something, thinking maybe I was up for it, and I couldn’t go. I knew I shouldn’t go. So I had a pity party.

On Day 10, I got really sad. I woke up feeling lonely after having my pity party the night before. I know that this is all part of the process but, I interact with a lot of people every day. I work in such a social place that there’s always someone to talk to. You can’t go to the bathroom without running into three conversations. I’m missing it more and more. I’m an extroverted person and ‘isolation’ was really starting to get to me. I cried a lot that morning. Sometimes when I’m overwhelmed, I just cry. Tears just stream down my face for absolutely no reason and I can’t really stop. I called Dan and he tried to snap me out of it. It didn’t really help. I texted my friend Gary. I texted my friend Amy. Although they were all supportive, it didn’t seem to make a difference. I felt frustrated with everything and isolated. I was tired of being uncomfortable and slow. I needed to get it together and attempt some preThanksgiving baking. I was thinking back to a few days before when I’d tried to put my yoga pants on and failed. They were just too tight. However, since the drain had come out, the swelling had gone down at a much faster rate. Not only was my body learning how to absorb its own swelling, but my scar was becoming more and more exposed. I haven’t been taking measurements, but I just felt so much more comfortable. So I thought, let’s try again. When I put them on, I was shocked. I wear yoga pants every day for my job. (I know, be jealous) Putting my exact same pants on felt completely different.

I usually take a video to get a lot of my images and take a screen shot from within the video. When I watched the video back, I didn’t realize it, but I’d caught myself feeling where it all used to be. I caught my moments of disbelief.

I cried again seeing that picture of myself. I’m still learning that it’s gone. I’m still figuring it out. I still can’t believe how tiny I am after all this time. Later that day my friend Amy came over for a Muppet Christmas Carol related emergency. We talked, gossiped, baked, cursed, laughed, decorated cookies and had a completely normal girl time. It was exactly what I needed.

Day 11 – Thanksgiving

Dan and I have almost always done our own Thanksgiving. Even when we go to someone else’s house, we still have our own meal. We woke up late (9 am?) and I instructed Dan how to make rolls while I hollered from a stool in the corner. By the time they proofed three times I was past time to put the turkey in. Whatever. We were going to a friend of mines house, Jenny (who I thought was there when I woke up from surgery) for appetizers and drinks while the turkey was in. By the time I showered and got dressed it was noon. We were to go to Jenny’s in an hour. Dan was just about to open the turkey from its brine bath and……..POP. A transformer blows and the whole grid loses power. Um……..excuse me? I have a turkey to make in my ELECTRIC OVEN? It’s 20 degrees outside! How long will the apartment stay warm? After a quick roll call of which friends were even in town, I realized we were screwed. I had wet hair. I hadn’t baked the appetizer for Jenny’s. Grrrrrrrrrrreat.

So we went to Jenny’s and I blow dried my hair there while 5 new friends, 1 old friend and Dan waited. So silly. Dan gets an alert that the power should be back on soon. We have a great time at Jenny’s meeting new people, seeing her amazing house and it was the first time I was meeting her partner. But of course, I got tired quickly. I had to sit down most of the time I was there because Nurse Dan can’t take a holiday (HA!) and I didn’t really feel like myself the whole time. I felt comfortable just tired and not as outgoing as usual. We left Jenny’s at 3:45.

At 3:58 we pulled into King Soopers because let’s face it, we’re not eating Turkey at this point. Rotisserie Chicken will have to do this year. As we get out the cart guy says, “We close in two minutes. You can’t go in.” Yep. That seems about right. I’m about out of patience at this point but I try. I try so hard. We make it home. We wait for the the power to come on. The turkey goes in the over at 5:30, scheduled to be done at 9:30. Really? We decide to just go ahead with everything. We make the typical sides: mashed potatoes, corn, green bean casserole, stuffing, rolls, deviled eggs and……….lunchmeat. LOL. It actually wasn’t too bad. By the time the turkey was done, I was half a sleep. It was exhausting and unsatisfying no matter how much we tried to make the best of it.

Day 12

Are you still reading? This one got long……. Day 12 was black friday and I did not miss going out to stores. I shopped online and Dan took me two places when he got home. Does everyone know about site to store? LOL. I’m old fashioned and usually do my own shopping. Apparently you can just pick what you want from home and someone will get it together and bring it to the front. What?! Although convenient, I think I’ll keep shopping for myself. I spent the day alone but it was really nice after the hooplah of Thanksgiving. I needed time alone to think and just…..be alone for a while! While the swelling continues to go down at an alarming rate, the my last remaining drain still has 60 ccs coming out a day. This is double what I need to get it removed. This also means I’ll be returning to work on Monday with the drain still in. The more the swelling goes down, the more comfortable to drain is but…..kinda sick of it. That morning I emailed the nurses at Kaiser (look at me learning all the technologies the young folks are using!) to make sure my drainage was ok, which she assured me was still normal.

GRAPHIC PIC COMING AFTER THIS ONE

On day 12 I had another small victory. This red pants are in my, makes me feel bad about myself pile. I stopped wearing them after I saw a photo I didn’t like of myself in them. So I didn’t wear them anymore. Um…..I think I’ll put them back in the drawer. Seriously, who’s body is this? Mine?

I see my reflection and I see that it’s me. I see me and I’m not used to loving how I look. I’m not used to the pride it gives me to look in the mirror. I’ve never felt some of the things I’m feeling now. I just can’t get over it. What the human body can do and overcome and heal from is amazing. What my brain is doing? It’s an entirely different battle.

I’m still so glad that I came home that day of the surgery.  Going into the whole thing, I kept trying to remind myself how hard those first 48 hours really are.  Looking back now, (I’m in Day 5) it was both better and worse than I thought it would be. Today I’m going to write about the experience, more about emotions to come.

Let’s take a quick recap of what the procedure actually was in Kim’s words:

Feel free to skip if squimish! 

Monday evening I had a full Panniculectomy which means they cut off my whole flap of extra skin that has been covering my pubic area for the last 5 years.  They start by opening you (only though the skin, no muscles are cut) hip to hip.  There’s an incision around my belly button.  Then, like your buttering a Thanksgiving turkey, they separated my skin from the muscle wall from pubic area to a few inches above where my new belly button would be.  While my incision is a little over 180 degrees, the muscle lining is only separated in the center.  The ‘six pack’ area not the sides. Then they pull all the skin down, make a new hole for my old belly button, and cut off the excess. Everything is stitched and glued closed. A drain was placed at the top of each hip to help with drainage during healing. (See below, the tubes coming out) 

The left picture is 4 days before (there’s actually nothing indecent in this photo. What you see is alllllll skin. The picture on the left is 4 days post surgery.

Day 1 (Tuesday)

They send you home with so many instructions.  Pills, drains, caring for yourself…..it’s hard to remember it all.  I suppose that’s why they make you bring a functioning adult. When I woke up on Day 1, (and all through the night to take pills) I didn’t forget or try to get out of bed.  I remembered and touched it right away.  I could feel how much fluid was behind my skin.

So you can imagine it’s a little painful. They sent me home with oxycodone and recommended Tylenol  in between.  I wasn’t allowed ibuprofen for the first 48 hours or a shower. For my 1st full day of recovery, Dan was here. He helped me get up in the morning and check the fluid in my drains.

I could see a huge difference right away, although I felt puffy and distended from all the fluids they gave me. My sister sent beautiful flowers and I talked to many people on the phone. When I talked to my friend Natalie, she told me I wouldn’t remember much. And she was right. The day passed quickly with little naps, pills, food, bathroom and repeat. I felt slow both mentally and obviously physically. Even though there was discomfort from the surgery, my drains and back hurt the worst.  I’m a highly active person so sitting around and having a hunched position every time I’m standing was painful for my back.  Dan helped rub my back a little and I called it a night pretty early. I took all my pain meds as prescribed that day because I found myself needing the next pill 20-30 minutes before I was supposed to have it.  I was able to keep to my schedule but a few times were difficult.  I set alarms on my phone to wake up and take pills. Unfortunately, that first night I also had to go pee every time I woke up.  Annoying.

Day 2 (Wednesday)

When I woke up on Day 2, I was feeling a little better. Dan was going to work so I was on my own to get my breakfast and transfer myself to the living room.  When you walk at the pace of a turtle, this takes a while. About 9 am, I finally get up out of bed for real. (my usual wake up time is 4:45 so this is like noon to everyone else on the planet.) It takes me 45 mins to tend to my drains, take a progress picture, put on a shirt, get my blankets and water to the living room.  I also have to get my breakfast in the toaster and pour coffee that Dan left for me.  This would usually take me 5 minus max. By the time I’m sitting down to eat, I’m exhausted. Not in pain. Just tired. So I play online for a while, and compare my pictures again. 

On Wednesday, I didn’t feel like I saw that much difference and was almost bummed. But that’s why you take photos.  They don’t lie. You see what’s there. I’m most shocked about having a belly button (almost an outie no less!) and seeing my lady flower.

After comparing the photos, I was shocked. I can see it, but it’s like my brain doesn’t understand what it’s seeing.  I attempted to put some clothing on my bottom half since I was expecting visitors but…..nope. Friends visited and while I remember seeing Melody and Gary, I don’t really remember much of what we talked about. I made a velcro wrap towel into a very fashionable skirt. My mom called that night with nursey questions including “Have you pooped yet? ”  I haven’t sent so many naked photos or poop emojis to anyone on the planet as I have these last few days with my mom. TMI: But I had not.  Narcotics tend to back up the system.  The nurse had warned me ahead of time and recommended I start a stool softener.  Even with the medicine I was scared.  I can’t laugh, cough, push or twist without pain. So the idea of pooping is not fun. I was willing to wait till Thanksgiving. Later I’m sure Dan came home and we watched TV.  He helped me take a shower and painted my toe nails. There was quite a bit of pain that night even though I’d felt good during the day. I eventually made it to bed and started the whole routine over.

Day 3 (Thursday) 

When I got up on Thursday morning, I could tell something had changed.  I was able to start ibuprofen during the night and could tell a difference immediately. I woke up with a little more energy and got through my morning routine a little more quickly. Drains,  photo, POOP!!! (Hallelujah) breakfast, coffee, text mom……these are the new days of my life. I wasn’t expecting any visitors that day and I was kinda ok with being a lone. Everyday I can’t wait to look at my progress photos.  Some days I can feel the change, other days I need the picture to tell me.  

Not only did I see a huge difference in the swelling but the entire color of my skin was coming back to normal. I spent the day resting, watching Netflix, texting, writing.  I was able to start cutting all my pills in half and still make it without too much discomfort to the next dosage. The day went really quickly actually. I was happy to be feeling better and feeling like myself.  When I thought back to those first 48, they are still cloudy.  I backed off to half of my oxycodone and started to space them out further. My big goal of Thursday was to wash and blow dry my hair. Nailed it!Even though I got a little lonely mid day, being alone for the whole day was nice. I cried a little, I sorted some of my feelings and really just tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.  That night my colleague, Mariah, sent over dinner. What?!? So crazy nice.  It was so nice to sit with Dan and not have him on the other side of the apartment washing dishes and making dinner. I needed him that night. Wash, Rinse, Repeat……

Day 4 (Friday) 

If I feel 10 times better on day 3, I felt 100 times better on day 4.  A full 24 hours of 1/2 as much narcotics and full dose of Tylenol WITH ibuprofen was exactly what my body needed. I slept way more and stayed in bed till 9 again. When I got up for drains at 7am I could feel the difference without pictures but took some any way.  This was the first time I thought to take them from the side? I don’t know why I didn’t before.  Blame it on the drugs I guess.

I looked at the photos and thought of one that I have in my old body.  In some ways, I love that old photo.  It shows how fit I really am and that the skin is just extra. When I put it side by side with that photo, I cried.

More on emotions tomorrow but……..DAAAAAAAMN! I wanted it gone and its, well, gone! Ever since seeing this photo, I feel like I care less. It’s going to be 6 weeks before I can do activity. Its going to be 3 months before everything is healed and how it’s going to look for the rest of my life.   So how am I feeling on Day 4? Totally freaking happy with that. Also on Day 4 I had a few huge accomplishments: I took a shower by myself, I went up and down the stairs for the first time, I put my own socks on and most importantly I put underwear on.

On Friday, I had THREE friends come over!  I spent the morning writing on here for all of you, then crashing the site and trying to fix it. Soon Ali stopped by with groceries of fruit and nuts and we were able to chat for a while.  Both of us are always so on the go, we don’t really get to just sit together much.  After she left I made myself some lunch and watched TV.  Later Melody came over and we talked our usual nerd talk about how I crashed my website and what article on Alzheimers she had read. Amy came over and painted my finger nails and gossiped until Dan came home. If you have to judge me based on the quality and character of my friends: go right ahead.  I have some of the most caring, genuine and beautiful friends on the planet. No arguments.

Well I’d love to start adding day 5 but, it’s today and there’s still a lot left of this day. Also, I’m so tired from the morning and writing this post that I might just take a nap. Life is good.

I’m presently on day 4 of recovery and the details of the surgery and those first 48 hours are starting to become more clear.  I wanted to get the experience of surgery day out in words before it gets too far in the past.  Over the next few days I’ll be sharing updates and how good I’m already feeling.  I’ve been using other peoples stories to help reassure me and it’s brought me tons of hope. So now it’s my turn to keep putting my story out there for anyone that might need it.  We (extreme weight loss survivors) are so rare and extraordinary.  Anything I can do to help someone else on their journey is worst the risk.

Morning of:

My surgery was scheduled for Monday, November 18th at 3:00 pm. Over the weekend before, I had completed a certification workshop at the club and saw every person I could to keep me busy and distracted.  Monday morning, there was no more hiding.  It was here. It was time. I woke up dan at 4:00 am for a few reasons.  Somehow, that day was the end of my one year run streak.  Coincidence? I think not. So at 4:00 am Dan and I went for a quick one mile run around the lake in our park.  This is the same loop that was one of my original goals in weight loss.  I cried just like I did that first time when I finished.  Getting to this ‘finish line’ of surgery has been really emotional, but today I want to focus on the science of what I went through. Emotions to come. 🙂 Still sorting.

After our run Dan made me a big breakfast with his amazing scrambled eggs. If you’re not stirring your eggs with a chopstick like Antoni Porowski says, you’re doing it wrong. I ate as much as I could hold because at 5:30 am I had to cut all food and most liquids. We showered and tried to go back to bed. Instead we spent time talking and being intimate.  (Again, more on that later!) Later we went to target for a few last minute recovery things like tylenol and apple juice.  At this point I’m really really hungry. I’m down to only sips of water and apple juice. After the errands we came back home.

I talked to my Mom and my sister and the nerves are starting to settle in. I tend to worry on the inside and get quieter and quieter. My hubby worries on the outside and I can see him flitting around trying to prepare every single thing he can.  I think he asked me how I was every 5 minutes.  When it was time to get in the car, I just told myself we were going to Target, buried my head in my phone and distracted myself for the 30 minute drive.

Arrival….

(Caption: Our last picture with me in this body, walking up the stairs we stopped for a pic. 15 minutes later I would be in a gown.)

As soon as we arrive I feel like I’m gonna throw up.  I check in, sign some forms and the receptionist tells me it will only be a few minutes. I sit for less than three minutes. The nurse calls me back and says Dan has to stay in the waiting room for a little while but I’ll get to see him again. You think it will go slow.  There’s still over an hour till my procedure.  Tonnnnnns of time but it flew by. As I stepped on the scale, I saw my name on the surgical board. It was right there: Panniculectomy at 3:00pm.  Surgical ward is running on time.  It was like seeing your flight to your dream destination but you’re still not sure you want to go because getting there is gonna be so hard. What’s it worth? The money? The trauma? That I could die? I’d come so far.  I couldn’t go back now.

Pre Surgery Prep…

They brought me to my prep room and told me to put on a gown. I had to wipe dow with these surgical wipes so everything is clean. (I had already taken two required medical soap showers) They ran a pregnancy test. So far so good.  A male, who’s name I don’t remember now, came in to give me some pills and start and IV.  Best IV I’ve ever gotten hands down.  He was great.  He explained the pills he was giving me for nausea and pain.  He put a little patch behind my ear for nausea as well.  Then he showed me a small vial he would give me right before surgery. The “I don’t care” drugs.  After that, Dan got to come back.

I always feel much better when he’s around. I cried a little, we talked a lot. The anesthesiologist came in and had me sign some papers and asked a lot of questions.  He was also super nice.  The last person to see was my surgeon, Dr. Royal Gerow in his stylish horn rimmed glasses.  My brain started to panic a little when I saw him.  That means he’s out of his last surgery and ready to move to mine. Again, some quick signatures and questions. He puts marks on me both laying down and standing. This is the last time I’ll see it. The last time someone will touch it.  The last time I’ll hate my body. I’m getting emotional just remembering it now.

It’s Time…

Enter nurse with the “special” vial.  He warns me that I’d better say whatever I want to say to Dan before he gives them to me because a lot of people don’t remember after that. I tell Dan how important he is to me, that he’s the love of my life, and thank him for choosing me. I try to apologize for what were about to go through and he doesn’t let me. He tells me he’s proud and will see me on the other side. We kiss and it is action time. The surgical nurse comes in, double checks all my meds, signatures and markings. Before I know it, the arms on the bed are up and I’m being wheeled away.  Since I’m so drugged now there’s no moment of wanting to go back.  There’s no part of me wanting to scream “Wait! I’m not ready!”

The last time I had surgery (thyroidectomy) I was terrified laying on the table.  There’s so much commotion, all for you, but you can’t see whats happening. Not this time.  This time the nurse was with me and reassuring me.  The anesthesiologist comes over and explains we are waiting for me to hit 98% oxygen and for the Doc to finish scrubbing in.  Two minutes later, Dr. Gerow is there and telling me it’s gonna go great.  I hear someone say “Ok her oxygen is at 98%, let’s push the meds.”  Someone says “See you on the other side.”

Post Op…

In the next moment I’m freezing, hurting and scared. I wake up cold. So cold. I’m trying to grab the nurse and calling her Jenny for comfort. Jenny is the name of a colleague and friend of mine that always puts my mind at ease.  The nurse had blonde hair like her.  It was pretty funny later. But in the moment I’m scared.  The nurse tells me everything went perfectly and now I just have to get my pain under control.  The first 30 minutes blur together.  I remember squirming in my bed, my teeth chattering and almost whimpering.  All the while I’m being told to eat and drink but I’m so afraid I’ll get sick that I don’t want to.  I don’t want anything. I want to go back to sleep. Where the hell is Dan? After 30 minutes the first pain medication hits and takes a lot of the edge off.  After I finally manage a few crackers and an entire ginger ale, they call Dan back. Seeing him was like a dream.  He helped me put my contacts in which helped a ton! I didn’t realize part of my fear was the my vision was poor. I kinda forgot I could’t see? lol.  That probably won’t make sense to most people.

Another half hour goes by and I’m clearly still in a lot of pain.  It’s hard to squirm, I want to curl up in a ball but I can’t move. I’m constantly holding my breath on accident.  So the nurse insists I take another pill because my heart rate is still pretty low so I won’t be allowed to get out of bed till it does and get to the bathroom. I laugh out loud.  I tell her “At this point I’ll be having Thanksgiving in the bed.  I can’t even imagine standing for a few days.” So I got another half a pill. Soon my pulse in coming up and I’m holding down two ginger ales. I couldn’t tell you the last time I drank a whole can of soda to myself, or more than just a few sips of non-diet soda.  I drank 3 while I was there and it was amazing.

At about 90 minutes post op, I’m starting to feel human again.  I’m making animal sounds with the animal crackers they bought me.  I’m trying to whistle while eating saltines.  Clearly I’m in better spirits.  The nurse is giving us more instructions for home.   She needs to show me how to empty my drains so its time to see what it looks like. Even though Dan was there for the preop visit and I’d reminded him and myself, we didn’t expect to be able to see it so soon. There were no bandages to un wrap, I’m totally glued and stiched shut from the inside. After pulling my gown a way in two places where it stuck, I saw it for the first time. I. WAS. SHOCKED. 

The photo above from my POV in the first moments of seeing it.  Its gone.  All the skin is just gone. It’s incredible and quite frankensteiny to wake up with parts missing and be happy about.  Then I realized they were both watching me.  I look up and the nurse starts spouting of kinds words: “The swelling will go down” “I know it looks scary now but” “I know scar seems big now but” and instead of hearing her, I look at Dan. “It’s perfect” I say, with tears filling me eyes. If I could guess Dan’s emotion on his face at that time I’d say : Proudly Grossed Out? We hug and kiss and I saw how much I can’t believe it’s over.

The nurse also has to teach me how to empty my drains. Those little MFers. I have two, one coming out each leg which are the tubes in the picture above.  The drains serve several purposes but it gives the swelling fluid somewhere to go. It helps with bruising and speeds the recovery.  They have been the most uncomfortable part and I’m looking forward to getting them out already. (patience….) The nurse shows me how to drain and measure the fluid that comes out.  This is super important to show how my recovery is developing. But it’s also pretty gross. I have to carry these little balloons with me everywhere I go.  At 7am and 7 pm I measure them and pour it down the drain.  It’s oddly gross and yet satisfying,  It doesn’t hurt at all to do which is a blessing. 

This time when the nurse asks me if I need to go to the bathroom, I can actually picture getting out of the bed.  All during recovery, I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted but the better I felt, the less I wanted to be there. I make it to the bathroom with their help and they both stand guard outside the door in case I fall. I can hear them talking “Let’s ride this wave for whatever we can get” the nurse recommends. When I get out of the bathroom, Dan helps me put on the pjs that I brought which were a present from an amazing client.  I needed them more than I thought I would.  Before I put clothes on, I ask Dan to take a picture. I wanted to compare them as soon as possible and see how I change each day. Again, shock.

I took the before picture a few days before and then the skin disappeared in 3 hours. Freaking incredible. I have not seen my belly button or lady flower in over a decade. So that’s ……new……

Once I’m dressed, before I lay down again, the nurse asks what I want to do.  Now is the best time to transfer to an overnight bed or go home if I want to.  I want to go home. She takes me down in a wheel chair and Dan pulls up our Honda Element.  It was the perfect height for me to just sit and spin. I don’t remember much after that.  We got some food. Somehow I made it up the stairs and into the apartment.

I’m so happy I came home that night.  Not only did I sleep more than I would have at the hospital but Dan and I could practice what would become our morning routine. I tried to sleep in the recliner but my ankles hurt from hanging off and my neck hut from rolling around.  I got up several times during the night and eventually made it to the bed.  I found it most comfortable to sleep laying down but with knees raised. I finally really slept. Pills, sleep, pee and repeat.

Since this post is already so long, I’m going to post more over the next fews days about the first days of surgery.  But I will leave you with this, only four days out of surgery, I’m completely happy with my decision and my results. Let’s keep this train movin!