Emotions – Page 8 – Yoga Pants Diary

November 2, 2014

Hot on Halloween

This year I wanted to do Halloween up right! As an adult, every Halloween I see women who use Halloween as an excuse to dress up sexy! I, unfortunately, have never been one of these women. I always have to pass by the Pretty Kitty, Slutty Snow White and Sinderella outfits because I know they won’t be in my size. If they do have 2X or 3X I’d never be comfortable wearing it in public. And then I’d be one of those girls. Now let’s be serious. I’m not one of THOSE women who use Halloween as an excuse to practically be naked in public. *ahem…..you yeah Princess Leah in the Gold Bikini I’m talking to you! BTW she didn’t even have the traditional hair. Just saying. I love you Mean Girls, but I’m pretty sure I did just say something about it. Sorry!

I just wanted to feel cute and buy a regular costume in a regular size and go out with my husband. We went to basically my favorite place, Howl at the Moon. I go there with my girlfriends but never with him and I was super excited! It’s a dueling piano bar in Downtown Denver where there are live musicians all night. The best part of it is that you can be part of the audience, because it’s basically a concert every night where you can request them to play ANY song ever. OR you can be part of the show and out on the dance floor. There are like zones of participation. So I knew either way he’d be comfortable.

We ended up at the just the right store, which shall remain nameless, which had just the right sale ON Halloween. They had regular size costumes that were flirty but still suitable for public. I bought three. I decided to wear the most modest one of course because I’m just not confident about everything I got going on yet. More on that later………

So I decided to go with a sweater dress ensemble as a Sock Monkey that I found at said store. If the photographer had told me, I would have pulled it down further but……hindsight and all that.

For once I got a super cute costume that was a Medium (!?) at a regular store for a killer price and wore it out with with my husband wear we danced the night away and had an awesome time. Best. Halloween. Ever!

PS – For those wondering, I did get Sexy Snowhite but I won’t be posting a picture of it ANY time soon or wearing it in public. My confidence is high but I’m still a married woman! Oh and BTW: It was $5.

October 27, 2014

Comparing

I constantly compare myself to other people. Even when I was at my heaviest, I would look for other girls that I thought were my size or larger just to see what I looked like. I continue to do this now. I think all women are constantly looking at others and ‘sizing’ themselves up.

We hear the phrase “You are your only competition” all the time, but how many people really do this? I would say in almost every area of my life, this is true for me. I compete with only myself in my career. I hold myself to a set of expectations and meet them. I push myself and don’t really care what others think about it as long as I’m happy with it. I also do this in my marriage. I don’t have a cookie cutter relationship with roles and regulations like some might expect to see. We break rules all the time. Again, our relationship works for us and I could care less what people think. BUT I do struggle with this when it comes to my image.

I could have written this whole post like, I don’t care what people think when they look at me and I’m my only competition. But that’s not really how I feel. I still compare myself to other women all the time. I still wonder what I look like to other women and men. But I do think the lens that I look through is different now. When I used to see a thin girl, I would get jealous mad. I was mostly mad at myself and the choices I had made. Now when I see one, I know what work they have put in. There are women out there that never think about food or fitness but this is RARE. I know the difference in the physique of someone who works out and who doesn’t. Now, sometimes I’m still jealous when I see them but I’m jealous because it’s something I want to do too!

I would even say that 15% of women have been dropped off my radar. These 15% are too thin, unhealthy and unattractive. I don’t want to be a size 2 because I don’t think it’s attractive and the hubby agrees. Then there’s the 20% that I think I’m in now: thin, active, muscular. Of course there are then heavy, overweight, obese and morbidly obese women still too. When I see these women, I’m comparing them to my old self and wishing I could do something to help them. I wish I had a t-shirt that said “ASK ME HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT, BECAUSE YOU NEED TO!” and that I wouldn’t have things thrown at me for wearing it.

So basically……….I’m saying it’s ok to judge but these women aren’t your competition. The real competition is the battle you are fighting inside but look at other bodies. Which one looks like yours? Which one do you want to look like? Which ones don’t you want to look like? Pick one and go for it!

October 21, 2014October 21, 2014

Mistakes

It’s time to forgive yourself. In order to move forward with a new lifestyle, you have to let the old you go. I think this is the hardest part of weight loss. It sounds silly, of course if you are hoping to lose weight you expect that you’ll change. However, when it’s actually happening, it’s a whole different ball game.

Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a hard lesson to learn and it’s hardest to forgive your past self. There is absolutely nothing you can do about choices you’ve made in the past. You have no control over what you’ve already done. You can only control what happens in the present and future. You must learn to forgive this person for what they have done to you.

I learned to forgive myself by letting go of who I used to be. I didn’t want to be that person anymore or make those choices that were causing me to be so obese. I didn’t like her anymore. I didn’t want to be disappointed in myself and how I looked anymore. So I chose to start counting my successes instead of my mistakes. In the beginning, my mistakes definitely outweighed my healthy choices. But I learned to compare how I was eating now to how I used to eat. Every time I made even the smallest of good choices, I counted that as a success. You’ve seen me write many time about how fast little things add up. Each choice you make, changes the outcome on the scale the next morning, week and month.

So today, stop keeping track of what you do wrong. Focus on what you’re doing right! The more you focus on the positive, the more you’ll want it. The more you celebrate good choices, the more good choices you’ll make and the easier it will get. Stop it. It’s time to forgive yourself.

October 18, 2014March 29, 2015

Fight!

This past week was pink week at my gym to support breast cancer. During a workout this week, my trainer said something that has stuck with me all week and has helped me not only through workouts but tough days at school and long nights in meetings.

“Fight because you can. Fight for those who can’t.”

While there are people everywhere who are choosing to be unhealthy, unactive and obese, there are others that are struggling each and everyday, plagued by something they can’t control. We are so lucky to be who we are and have what we have. I now know how lucky I am to have a healthy lifestyle and to have adopted it so completely. Sometimes when I look back at this last year, I realize I could have just done nothing. I could have stayed exactly the same and continued to make the same choices I’d always made. But I chose not to.

There are others out there that have no choice what life has given them. I have been very lucky and thankful not to have breast cancer, or much cancer at all, within my family tree. What I can’t believe is how long I was choosing to be unhealthy when there are so many others who don’t get to choose.

A lot of people think what I’ve done is amazing. While I believe that’s true, I don’t think it’s anything close to what some of these women go through. Sure, I cut back on calories and went without candy and chocolate for months at a time. But really? How can that compare to the Big C? Right now I’m sitting at Starbucks and filling time before my Saturday morning workout. During my workout today, I will push myself a little harder, run a little faster and lift a little more. Why? Because I CAN. Do it for those that CAN’T.

October 6, 2014

Emotional Eating……

This was TOTALLY me today. All day I felt irritable with the world. I just had one of those days where it felt like I should have never left the house. I felt hungry ALL day. I felt like I thought about eating food 98% of my day. I thought about candy and melted cheese several as if they were a mirage and I was in the Sahara.

I have to say that while I never ate any candy, I did eat at Taco Bell tonight. 710 calories worth, you know I checked. So it’s true. I’m not perfect nor should you ever imagine that I am. Everybody needs to just eat the meal they are dying for, within reason, sometimes. Everything in moderation of course. **Footnote: I ate Taco Bell after going to Body Rock class at the gym where I was pretty sure my triceps were just going to melt away. I mean seriously, how many push ups does a girl need in her life? How many squats is too many squats? Are you sure that’s not going to kill me? I hear Frankie saying somewhere: It won’t kill you. You can do another! NAMASTE!

To be clear: other than usual work stress I am not going through some sort of emotional trauma. I just have normal woman-hate-the-world-syndrome. But today I just couldn’t make a better choice and I think that’s ok too. Sometimes life just happens. Since I know how many calories I burn in a Frankie Class, I know how many I can eat. Granted, I also have to account for the high sodium content. I believe that as long as I’m being honest with myself about where I am and my choices, it will be moot. Now this isn’t about forgiving my poor choices like they don’t matter or reasoning with myself because I feel guilty. When I have a takeout meal nowadays, I’ve already made sure that I’ve balanced it with something else. I’ll always wish I ate less fast processed food no matter if I do once a year.

During my weight loss journey over the last 16 months (holy cow, really?!?) I feel like I have: 1. Decreased my fast food intake by 70 – 80%, 2. Figured out what to eat when I DO eat fast food, 3. Understand the pit falls and errors when eating fast food. (Possible future blog? Look for it.) So while I do wish I never had the craving for fast food, it’s inevitable for me. And if you have a problem with the hunger beast who is quiet for the first time all day, you can deal with her.

October 5, 2014March 29, 2015

Meeting Your Goal

On Septmeber 11th I hit my goal weight. I haven’t posted about it because I’m still weeding through the feelings of what that even means.

I knew it was coming. My weight was really really close to finally seeing 165, healthy weight. When I stepped on the scale that morning, I didn’t know how I would feel. When I saw the magic number, 165, I felt…..nothing. I was hoping to feel relief, like, FINALLY it’s over! But if felt like weighing in every other day. I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t a celebration dance party or huge sense of relief.

At first it scared me. If I’m not celebrating reaching my goal after such a long journey, have I not learned anything? We did not go out for a special meal. I didn’t even buy myself a present or really celebrate in any sort of way. It felt weird! I thought for sure I’d want to go out for a Big Mac or banana split.

After a few days, I was proud of myself. After reaching my goal weight, I didn’t fall off the wagon. I didn’t want to eat a Big Mac or go out for ice cream. This new lifestyle that I’m following is real. It’s now been three weeks and I’m maintaining or dipping below goal weight. I guess I really have changed and it feels good!

I do not think it’s bad or wrong to celebrate reaching goals. However, I would recommend not rewarding yourself with unhealthy food. It’s very confusing for your brain. Celebrate with a day at the park, a hike, a gift or a manicure.

September 7, 2014August 27, 2015

It wasn’t worth dying for.

I have posted a lot of different reasons for changing the way I eat, exercise and basically saved my life. So here’s a list all in one convenient place. I encourage everyone to make their own lists and write it out with a writing instrument that makes you feel like a kid. Just because it will make you smile! Trust me on that.

10. Seats – I was embarrassed when I couldn’t fit in seats. Now, I would say that I did fit in the average seat 80% of the time. Movie seats, most restaurant seats, and chairs found in the average home were fine. However I could not fit in roller coasters, barely air plane seats, bus seats were uncomfortable, and booths were usually awkward. It was embarrassing to ask my husband to pull the table toward him. I was sick of it. It made me feel huge to not fit where I was supposed to fit. Was I really that big? Uh…….yes apparently. Duh.

9. Food – When living in such an incredible place like Denver (whoop!!) you get exposed to a whole new palate of food compared to living in the Midwest. I kept finding that I was unsure or didn’t like most of the awesome ‘local trends’ because my palate was akin to grease, ranch dressing, and milk shakes. (In case you haven’t noticed I will be observing the Oxford comma in this post. Why did it have to die? Back to the point.) So basically I was missing out on entire pages of menus and new fad restaurants because they didn’t serve food like you’d find in the MW. And how do the states rank on the Healthiest in the US scale? Colorado is 8th healthiest. Illinois is 30th. So yeah. Again I have to go with Duh.

8. Run – I live in a big(ger) city now and in this big(ger) city weird people are everywhere and weird stuff happens. Dan and I got into an altercation one night when a guy was trying to get into our building. I had been going to the gym for some time and I was able to defend myself easily. Before I don’t think I could have done anything. So I wanted to be able to run if anything ever happened that was seriously bad. You just never know. Paranoid? Probably but Denver has some seriously weird people. It’s the best place ever!

7. Clothes – When you are plus sized, you can only shop at so many stores. All of these stores seem to carry the exact same items, in the same fabrics, and often times even in the same colors. I wanted to wear things I saw other girls wearing. I couldn’t even find boots that would fit my midwestern-corn-fed-morbidly-obese-calves. Regular was too small and extended calf was too big. I wanted to wear things I saw on pinterest and even make my own clothes because I’m a super huge dork. Do you have any idea how much money you save when buying fabric for a body that’s 45% smaller? You guessed it, 45%. Ha!

6. I didn’t care – The long here-s-a-little-hint-i-don-t-care er I’m an adult the longer I realize that high school never ends. And in this said high school that we are all calling life, I decided I was done caring what people thought. I know this sounds backwards. Why would I lose weight if I stopped caring? Well, I was mostly terrified about losing weight because I knew my skin was already screwed. I gained my weight in batches that hung in weird places on my body. As I lost the weight, I knew those places would deflate and hang. More on how I feel about my skin another day…..back to the point. I decided I didn’t care how I looked when I lost weight. When you feel like you can accept what you’re going to look like after you lose the weight and you don’t look like a Victoria Secret model, it makes it easier. This is something you have to learn to do several times throughout your journey.

5. Health – I know what you’re thinking. 5???? Number 5 is health???? Shouldn’t it be higher or maybe even number 1? The fact is that I am fortunate enough to have so many other things in my life that are worth more than my own health. My number one goal was always to get healthy, not nesccessarily skinny. There are lists and lists of diseases and health risks associated with obesity. You can see them HERE if you are unaware, but in this day and age I don’t know a single overweight person that doesn’t know MORE about being heathy than a skinny person. I knew the risks and decided they weren’t worth it. I had been fairly lucky so far and I didn’t want to Press My Luck! (No whammies, No whammies!)

4. Time – The older I get, coming up to the big 3-0 this year, the faster time seems to go. Months fly by like I remember weeks or days going as a child. Holidays are less exciting but, being a teacher, I still live for summer breaks. Each day I get to spend about 2 hours with my husband before the bed calls our name. When I look at my life, I just want more time. I could no longer live with the fact that I would most likely die early for such a dumb reason as obesity. By controlling my obesity, I am able to get more time on this Earth to spend with those that I love.

3. Baby Maybe – The hubby and I are hoping to have children soon. We have always planned on having children in our lives. When I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome my dream of having children was all but out the window. One of the most successful cures of PCOS is to lose weight. If I couldn’t give my child a healthy environment for the first 9 months, what could I hope to give them after that? I want my child to crave healthy foods and not ask for a Happy Meal for dinner each night. In order to do that, I had to make sure I was showing them the model of a healthy lifestyle.

2. Dan – Of course Dan ranks high on the list. As I said above, I want as much time with Dan as I can get. He is my best friend and my absolute partner in life. How could I continue to make these choices when they would inevitably cost me my life with him. I wanted him to have a wife he was proud to carry on his arm. I 100% know that Dan loved me at every weight. He always wanted me to be healthier for myself but never pushed me to lose the weight. I gave him a list of things I needed him to do for our marriage. He accomplished everything on that list to ensure our future family together. In turn I promised I would get healthy. It took me a few years but I kept true on my promise. I’m now proud to be his wife and feel like we are a much more equal partnership.

1. It wasn’t worth dying for – In the end, this is my number one reason. Eating Big Macs and brownies is NOT WORTH IT. In the moment of consuming a Big Mac, it seems like not such a big deal. And of course, one high fat and sodium meal once in a while is fine. However, I was consuming meals like this on a consistent basis. In the end, 10 minutes of pleasure for that meal is not worth dying for. NONE of the reasons on this list were worth dying for. When I die, I want my headstone to say something like the picture above, not “She really loved french fries.” Really take a look at yourself and how you are treating the only body that you will ever get. Most people don’t consider that their diet could kill them. In this day and age we blame cigarettes, drugs, cancer and heart disease. However, being a healthy weight eliminates or drastically decreases your chances of TONS of different diseases. IT’S NOT WORTH IT.

August 31, 2014

Am I Still Fat?

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and forget that I’ve lost weight. I remember quickly, but for just a split moment, I forget. Sometimes I go to put on my jeans and I think, NO WAY are these going to fit me. Other times I put on my jeans and think, these aren’t any smaller than what I used to wear. Sometimes I eat a candy bar or cookies and feel guilty, even when I’ve earned it with gym time. Sometimes I think the fat girl will never go away.

Do I really want her to disappear? There are somethings I believe being overweight have taught me that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise. I feel like I’m less judgmental because of where I’ve come from. I’m more understanding of people fighting that battle. It’s also taught me that changing who you are takes WORK and there are no short cuts.

I’ll always be a member of the fat girl club at heart. Unless you’ve experienced the discrimination and stereotypes of being obese, you’d never understand. The world is a much different place for obese people. I know that obese people have just as much to offer the world as healthy weight people but most people don’t know that.

I’m as proud of the obese me as I am of the thin me. I’ve experience love and success at both weights. I’ll never forget her or let her go. I’ll continue to carry her with me wherever I go.

August 29, 2014

I hate Heidi Powell

One of my favorite trainers on TV is Chris Powell. I have been watching his show, Extreme Weight Loss, for my entire journey and find is extremely inspiring and often see elements of myself in their clients. Chris constantly posts about his wife, Heidi Powell, who is also a trainer and regularly featured on the show. Via his Facebook feed he recommends her blog on a daily basis. I’ve never read it before because, well, I hate Heidi Powell.

Why? She’s freaking gorgeous, returned to the show just weeks after giving birth, could probably kick my ass and let’s face it: she gets to do it with Chris Powell. (And that just doesn’t seem fair!)

So I’ve never ventured over to her blog……..until now. She posted about something that I just had to read. So for the first time, I’ve recommending her blog for others because I found it very true and inspirational.

Heidi recently blogged about “The Promise You Make to Yourself.” I’m going to try and write in my own words but might have accidentally borrowed from her ideas! Now, this doesn’t mean you can just start reading her blog instead of mine! (Even though her hubby is as good looking as mine)

People ask me how to lose weight all the time. They think there is a magic answer or a quick fix that will allow them to get on the same path as me. While it does come down to eating right and getting active, there’s more to it than that. It’s about the promise you’ve made to yourself. At the end of the day, when you’re lying in bed and thinking through the day, you only have yourself to answer to. I of course made a promise to my hubby that I’d lose the weight. But I’d made this promise before and failed. He’s admitted that he never really expected me to do it because I hadn’t in the past. If I hadn’t done it, life would have gone on the same. He wouldn’t have held me accountable to what I said with crazy consequences like getting a divorce. He would have encouraged me and tried to keep my on track. However, he more than anyone knows I’m the only one that can make myself do anything.

I knew I owed it to myself and that’s why I made a promise to myself. I wanted the results of weight loss. I wanted other women to be jealous! I wanted to wear yoga pants in public. I wanted to give my hubby all the years I could. I wanted all the time I could get with our future child. That’s the promise I made to myself, to be the best I could be so I’d have more of myself to give to others. That’s the promise I kept to myself. I feel that letting yourself down is worse than letting others down. In the end there’s just you. Have to made decisions today you can be happy with? Are you fighting a battle on the inside? Make a promise to yourself today that you can keep!

August 24, 2014March 29, 2015

Success Feels Good!

This last week was very stressful for me. I’ve started at a new school with new people. It is always hard to figure out who you can trust, who to keep an eye on and where the faculty bathroom is. Due to this stress, I was not expecting to lose any weight this week. My body sometimes responds to stress by holding on to weight. Other times it will drop weight like crazy. So I went in to this week not expecting to lose my usual half to full pound.

For most of the week this happened. I couldn’t figure out if I wasn’t eating enough or at the right times. So I just kept doing what I’d usually done and knew my body would eventually get it together. I was especially bummed after going to an extra grueling workout at the gym and waking up to the same weight the next morning. I even went up for a day or two. This is when I have to remember my little successes:

What had I done, health wise, already this week to be proud of, even if it didn’t result in weight loss?

1. At Green Day with my fellow arts teachers, we were given catered box lunches. It had a huge cookie inside that was 370 calories. I could have eaten it. I had worked out that day. Instead I brought it home to my hubby. I felt even better about this decision after he told me it wasn’t even that great.

2. I had the opportunity to eat grilled cheeseburgers at Back to School night. Since I’m not much of a burger girl to begin with, this one wasn’t too hard. Instead I had a meal I’d already planned for: lunch meat, cheese, baked chips and applesauce. Then because of this decision it lead to a conversation at my table where I could share a little bit of my story with my new coworkers.

3. I decided I didn’t care if I didn’t lose weight this week. It’s enough just to get back in the swing of things.

Each one of these things made me proud this week! I could have used my first week back at work as an excuse to eat horribly and blame the stress if I saw a weight gain. But I stayed true! The result was seeing the lowest weight on the scale I’ve seen to date at my weigh in on Saturday. I think the comfort of knowing I could fail or not lose this week helped take the pressure off!

I can’t explain the high of being told how good you look. One time during the middle of my weight loss, my best friend Bree said “I feel like you’re skinnier every time I see you!” It filled my heart with joy to be able to say, “That’s because I am!” The small successes everyday is what keeps me going. Small choices like no cookie today makes me one step closer. I’m dying to see that magical number on the scale that means I’ve made it! I have now been dieting for 15 full months and I have no idea what it’s going to feel like to know I did it. I know that when I see the number it will be a relief, but at the same time I’m ready to eat this way the rest of my life. When I see that number, the sense of accomplishment will stay with me forever. Along the way I’ve set small goals, monthly goals or even sometimes just daily goals. The success of these small goals has lead me to facing down my biggest obstacle. Small things add up to big things. It is literally day by day! Celebrate the small things and eventually you’ll get there. If you don’t count the small successes along the way, the big goal at the end will always seem out of reach.