Emotions – Page 9 – Yoga Pants Diary

August 19, 2014

Helping Others

Today I found myself saddened by the state of a collegue I hadn’t seen in maybe 6 months. He is an awesome teacher and a wealth of knowledge. We could all learn things from this man which is why he was a presenter today. I am going to leave out his name just in case he ever runs across this……….

It was pretty clear to me that he had gained quite a bit of weight on top of already being obese. We started with an activity called Peach Pit. You stand in a circle and each person shares a peach (good thing) and a pit (bad thing) about your summer. Since there was about 35 of us, the activity took quite a while. 5 minutes in my collegue had to sit down. I got tired of standing after about 20 minutes but no one else ever had to sit down. While he was presenting, I could hear him getting short of breath from standing and walking during his presentation. It made me very sad. I want to reach out to him. He heard me announce that my peach was getting so close to my goal weight over the summer and keeping up my fitness routine. I was hoping he would ask me questions about how I did it. I was hoping he would ask for advice. But he did not.

I’m worried about him. He’s clearly on a path that will lead to an early death. This man is such a gift to our profession and has so many wonderful things ahead of him even though I’d guess him to be in his 50s. I know what people see when they look at him. It’s the same things I used to think about myself. How is this guy going to help me if he can’t help himself? How good of a teacher can he be if he loses his breath during the lesson? Neither of these things are true but I know they were thought during the presentation today.

So what am I going to do? Nothing. I can’t make any choices for him. I don’t want to make him feel even worse than he must. But, what I can do is share my journey with him. I’m going to stay in contact with him and update him on my status. I’m hoping that the story of my success will make him consider doing something for himself. Maybe he will but maybe he won’t. I can guarantee that every morbidly obese person you meet has at least THOUGHT about losing the weight and what it would be like to be healthy. You can’t make the choice for anyone else or motivate anyone to start. BUT maybe the knowledge that it CAN be done might inspire him to try.

August 15, 2014March 29, 2015

Changes Are Coming

Hey guys, today will be my last DAILY post for a while. I’m hoping to keep posting twice a week but I will be going back to teaching full time starting Monday. With it brings a lot of anxiety for me. I, of course, am very anxious to meet the kids and am unsure how the year will go. I’m also anxious about getting back into a routine for eating.

I have to say, I thought I would do much worse over the summer. I’ve lost 12 pounds over the summer but my real goal was to hopefully not gain! At the start of summer I was really nervous about not having an eating schedule and being stuck in the house. Of course my eating schedule varied from day to day but I made sure to stay active throughout the summer. With so many birthday parties, cook outs and events, it was often hard to stay true. BUT I proved to myself that I could do it. While I was hoping to be at my optimal goal weight by the start of school, I don’t think that was ever realistic. My weight loss has slowed A LOT since the beginning and it’s true that the last pounds are the hardest by far.

I am excited to get back into an eating schedule. I’m a very orderly person and like having a schedule. It’s hard for me in the summer to be motivated to do my regular ‘stuff’ when I have all the time in the world to get it done. School provides an easy eating schedule as I can only eat at my designated times. I’ve already scheduled out when my snacks and meals will be in my day. Even though I’m sad that summer has come to an end, I’m happy to have the stability of school back. Have you set an eating schedule for yourself? Do you work in both snacks and meals during the day? Take a look at when and how you’re eating and try to make just one easy change a day!

August 12, 2014August 12, 2014

Love Is All You Need

Yesterday I celebrated 8 years of marriage with this hot guy:

I am very fortunate to have such a strong partner. Over the last year, I was busy making myself into the woman I thought he deserved to spend his life with. Both he and the idea of having a child motivated me to lose the weight and get healthy. Who wouldn’t want to see this face at 80 years old? This was the first year that I could write “I’ve tried to be the best wife I could be” in his anniversary card and it be true.

In this past year, Dan gave up quite a bit to support me on my journey to health. He sacrificed time with me so I could sweat a little longer at the gym. He sacrificed MANY hours thrift shopping for new clothes. He gave up soda, sweets and salty snacks in the house. If I made a ‘no chocolate’ mandate, he abided. If I asked him to split a sandwich with me so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat the whole thing, he would. When I asked him to come to the gym with me, he did and threw up every time. Without his constant support, I don’t know that I could have done it.

So today’s post goes out to my number one fan, my partner and love of my life! While this post may just seem like a ‘I have the best husband in the world’ rant, I’d like everyone to consider the support they have around them. More times than not, a partner will support you on your road to healthy. Often when you make better choices they will too! I am very blatant with what I need from Dan. I say “I need help with _______________” and he does it. As long as I communicate what kind of support I need, he is happy to oblige. Maybe you don’t have a partner at home but think of a friend. You need someone to call when you step on the scale and it’s jumped 4 pounds overnight. You need someone to make you feel bad when you haven’t exercised in a week. Everyone needs someone. It’s ok and healthy to lean on others during your journey. I have been talked off the ledge many times by my hubby and close friends. They help remind you that you’re human. Perfect example:

Me: “I feel fat today because I gained two pounds.” (Sad face)

Dan: “Did you gain 10? Aren’t you going to the gym later? Shut up. You’re hot.”

While that might not seem like a supportive conversation, just those few phrases from him help me remember that I’m human. I didn’t wake up as my 290 pound self. I didn’t fall off the wagon. I’ll lose those 2 pounds again just like I did the first 118. Duh. Sometimes we get so lost in our own heads that we just need a logical response from a friend to remind us that it will never be perfect! So today, reach out to your support group and thank them for being there! If you don’t feel like you have a support circle, meet up with an old friend or relative and talk to them about what you’re trying to do and try to get them on board. You’ll need them later!

August 11, 2014

Time Will Pass Anyway

I feel like this has been my inspiration and motivation through my entire journey: TIME. Everyone wants more time: More time to sleep, more time to spend with family, more hours in the day. But how many of us are making choices every day that could takes days, weeks, months or even years off our life?

I want as much time on this Earth with my loved ones as I can get! That is why I’ve dedicated so much of my time now for time in the future. It’s true that exercising and dieting do take time but how much time will you be rewarded with in the future? I stumbled across this quote and used it to motivate me for the last 15 months:

I love this quote because it’s so true. I could have chose to not do anything about my health for this last year. I could have remained exactly the same but I chose not to. I had always dreamed of dropping a bunch of weight over the summer. How cool would it be to show up 40 pounds lighter and surprise my students and coworkers? This time I finally did it. THE TIME WILL PASS ANYWAY, WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH IT?

Over the past year, I watched a lot of people stay the same. Stay unhappy with their weight, job, home, relationship or even education. I was definitely one of these people in the past. I would mention wanting to lose weight but never tried or gave up quickly. I’ve met a lot of both happy and unhappy people in the past year. What was the biggest difference between the two? The happy people chose to get there and do whatever work needed to be done to get there. People discuss losing weight with me all the time but I rarely see those people then make healthy choices in front of me. I know I can’t start someones journey for them or control anyone else. BUT I just want to help. I want them to get to experience what I’ve experienced in this past year. I wish everyone could feel how I feel.

So here’s my challenge for you: pick one area of your life to change and JUST DO IT. (Thanks Nike) The time will pass anyway and you can choose to change or remain the same. Trust me. You’ll be a lot happier with yourself looking back if you do something now.

August 10, 2014

Self Image

Today I’m thinking about a difficult subject: self image. When you go though a drastic change like I did not only do you change on the outside, but how you see yourself from the inside changes as well.

I always thought my self image was healthy when I was at 290 pounds. I thought I was pretty and was generally fine with how I looked. I was not in denial about my size or that I was overweight. But as I got healthier I saw how bad myself image really was. I’ve always loved myself and found success in life but my thoughts were often dark. If someone saw me eating Taco Bell in my car, I’d just assumed they thought how fat and gross I was. Who knew what they were really thinking, but that is what I assumed. When a thin girl would make eyes at my husband and then look at me, I always thought she was thinking, how did such a cute guy end up with such a fat girl? I knew I was overweight and felt like there was a thinner person trapped in my body sometimes. When I would see pictures of myself, I would think I was huge but that’s not really me. What I expected to see in the mirror was never what I saw because that’s never how I felt inside.

As I started to drop weight, I still struggled with my self image. All of the sudden how I felt inside is what I looked like on the outside. While this was very excited it was scary at the same time. People started treating me differently, especially men. It was hard to start wearing clothes that actually showed my body (skinny jeans!) that I thought I’d been hiding for so long. It made me feel very vulnerable to ‘reveal’ my body even though people could see it the whole time. What if someone made a snide comment or laughed? (This never happened) For me, my self image was linked to my outer image during this time. I loved being flirted with or people commenting how good I looked at work.

Now that I’m almost to healthy weight, I feel like my self image is not as linked to my outer image. I have found that I’m happy with the person I’ve become on the inside. If someone sees me eating Taco Bell in the car, now I think “I worked for this taco! Maybe YOU should get to the gym!” I still don’t really know what I look like on the outside. Some mornings I wake up and think I’m still morbidly obese and then I remember. Even this morning I went to put on my skinny jeans and thought, “There’s no way these are going to fit!” and yet they do. I think my self image and outer image have almost caught up with each other. I’ve been doing a lot of studying about diet, the evolution of eating, self image issues with women and find it helpful to understand the underlying issues with our society that are effecting us all.

August 8, 2014March 29, 2015

CNN iReport

Hey Everyone! I just uploaded my weight loss story on CNN.com. Be sure you check it out!

The Real Deal

August 7, 2014August 7, 2014

Food for Fuel

Successful weight loss requires a shift in how you think about food. Food has its place for holidays, events and special occasions. Although food should not be entertainment. The entertainment should be the company. As your body cleanses itself of sugars and fats, it will need fuel to keep going. Until now your body has been functioning ‘the best it can with what you’re giving it’ now train to run the very best it can!

Fuel Your Body

This shift in focus in difficult at first. What does your body need in order t do what you want it to do? I put my body through a rigorous fitness routine and it needs lots of protein to stay healthy. Without protein, my muscles are unable to repair themselves and are sore. Some bodies need more fiber or certain vitamins. It’s important to LISTEN to your body and feed it’s needs. It’s also important to get regular blood work done with your doc in case there are any gaps in your nutrition. I would recommend at least an initial consultation with a nutritionist or dietician. P.S. The more you talk about weight loss, the more people you’ll meet who give you free advice, ie. woman I met in line at Whole Foods that happened to be a nutritionist. Back to the point.

But it’s so yummy!

I am not trying to say you can’t enjoy your food. While dieting I think it’s essential that you find food you love to eat. Some meals I definitely eat because I want to not because I need to. However, when asking my body to do the things I do, it asks that I give it something in return. When I need protein, I try to eat the yummiest protein dish I can think of. When I need something light, I eat a salad. When I binged on candy at the movies the night before, I eat extra light and sugarish free. Try to start thinking about what your body needs, not just what your head wants as much as possible. As your body ‘detoxifies’ from sugars and fats you will learn how your body feels when it’s healthy. When I wake up in the morning, I can usually tell if I’ve eaten way to much sugar or grease. It’s amazing when you’re listening what you can hear.

Food Obsessed

One thing that has never gone away during my journey is thinking about food. I don’t consider myself a food addict or an emotional eater. I was a pleasure eater. I still am. Some days I don’t think about food at all until it’s time to eat. Somedays I don’t find food interesting at all and have to force myself to eat what my body needs. Other days though……..I’ve planned my meals before I get out of bed. If I am dying to have reverse chicken nachos from Illegal Petes (shout out! YUM!) then I plan my day to make sure I can eat those nachos and it won’t throw me off track. I make sure my stables like carbs, protein and sugars are on track in my other meals to cover what I might miss during dinner.

I think it’s ok to think about food and eat for pleasure AS LONG as you’re listening to your body and paying attention to its needs!

PS – For those wondering since yesterday’s post, I dropped those two pounds and was back to my expected weight this morning. Moral of the story: Sometimes the scale goes up for no reason. Keep making good choices and it will level out.

August 6, 2014

When The Scale Goes Up

This morning I woke up and got on the scale like normal. I was shocked to see a two pound gain! Today I’m going to share what goes through my head when this happens and then what logical thoughts are!

Yesterday I was unable to get to the gym for my usual boxing class so I had been super careful on my calories since I wouldn’t be burning as many. Therefore I expected to see a consistent number from the day before. When I saw two pounds up I was heartbroken. EVEN AFTER 14 MONTHS OF DIETING, I still have to talk myself off the ledge when this happens.

Kim’s Brain

Kim’s brain can be a very confusing and scary place. When I see unexpected weight gain, my first thought is “How can I get rid of this?” Although I’ve been ‘dieting’ and retraining my body and mind of over a year now, my first thoughts are still unhealthy. I have a very addictive personality and have struggled with eating disorders in the past. I often get disappointed in myself that this is the first place my brain goes but I’m starting to realize that maybe that’s just who I am. As long as I’m not acting on those thoughts, I’ve still made a healthy decision. Those demons may never totally go away but they seem quieter these days. So what does Kim’s brain say? Missing the gym one time equals gaining two pounds! Do 6 hours of cardio today, go buy water pills, eat less today or skip a meal. None of these are healthy choices!

Logical Brain

Now, as I’m standing on the scale thinking what might of happened and all these unhealthy thoughts enter my brain, I have to talk myself off the ledge. My logical brain knows why this probably happened. You can be PERFECT with your calories and see the scale go up a little. You never know what’s going on inside your body. Maybe it needed something that it usually doesn’t. Maybe you drank less water or are retaining water. The point is that weight fluxuates according to each person. I know, for myself, my weight is consistent if I weigh myself at the same time of day everyday. Some people might not experience this. Maybe only count official weight loss on a certain day of the week.

Victory

One of my biggest issues with seeing the scale go up is letting it effect my whole day. Your confidence and attitude can not be linked to the scale or you will be unhappy your entire journey. I am always having to remind myself how to measure failure. Is two pounds gained a failure? I guess it depends. Gaining two pounds when I made all good decisions the day before is not a failure. Gaining two pounds because I ate a whole pizza and a 2 liter of soda is a failure, but only for that day. Waking up at my heaviest weight ever is a failure, not just one morning.

August 4, 2014August 5, 2014

Amusing Changes

This weekend my hubby and I went to Heritage Square Amusement Park for his company picnic. I have not been to an amusement park in several years. I wasn’t able to ride the rides the last time we went so I basically avoided them after that. I convinced myself I didn’t really enjoy it anyway. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN.

I could ride any ride I wanted! The first thing we did was the zip-line. I read online that it had a weight limit of 250 pounds that I never would have qualified for before! I did not see the weight limit posted near the ride. While we were standing in line, I was ‘sizing up’ those around me and curious if they would meet the requirement. There was a scale to get on in front of everyone to prove your weight. No one else could see the number but it was still nerve racking. Before, I would have stood in that line with my stomach in knots thinking about the humiliation of being asked to step to the side. A girl several people in front of us stepped on the scale and didn’t make the cut. She was clearly embarrassed. I wanted to comfort her so bad! How many of us have been there? The only thing holding me back from the zip-line this time was fear of peeing my pants!

After the zip-line which I lived through despite what my brain was saying, we did the Alpine Slide. The slide is a half mile down the mountainside on a tiny sled. While this ride did not have any health requirements, I’m not sure I could have done it before. You had to take a chairlift to the top of the foothill then walk straight uphill for maybe 100 feet. I would have been exhausted before getting to the top. I had never done anything like this and was super excited. You control your speed as you slide down the mountain on a tiny blue slide. I’m not sure my body would have fit in the slide before. It was thrilling!

After the slide we rode a few typical carnival rides like The Scrambler and the Tilt-a-Whirl. I found it so easy to hop in and out of all the rides. On the scrambler, whomever is on the outside inevitably get squished due to physics. I was worried about squishing my hubby, but he looked right at me and said “You’re 120 pounds lighter. I’m sure it will be fine.” We comfortably fit in all the rides and laughed out butts off.

The last thing I wanted to do was an obstacle maze. It looked like my dream of American Warrior Ninja. I wasn’t sure how strong I had become or what I could do. Since there was a safety harness, I tried to do every obstacle without grabbing the harness and depending on my balance and core to carry me across. With the exception of the tight rope, I made every obstacle. My grip strength gave out by the end but it was amazing to run around with all the kids and do strength obstacles. While I was on a particularly hard one a young girl got really scared in front of me and started crying for her mom. I got her across the obstacle and out of the maze to her mother. I found myself wondering, why wouldn’t her mom come in with her? When I got her out of the maze I knew why. Her mother was overweight and didn’t seem very fit. How much more fun would that little girl have gotten to have WITH her mom if she could have been there? I’m so happy that I’ll be able to DO these things with my kids, not just watch from the sidelines!

It was overall an awesome day. Once again I couldn’t believe how much my weight was taking out of my life that I didn’t even consider. Last year at this time, my hubby and I could have never done this together. We would have missed out on so much fun and laughter together. We ended the day exhausted and happy. In the past just walking around would have exhausted me but this time it was from doing so many things and creating so many memories.

Today I challenge you to make a list of a few things you want to be able to do . Maybe it’s walk a trail with your dog or visit an amusement park. What is something that’s difficult to do now that you want to be able to do?

August 1, 2014August 5, 2014

Surprise Yourself

Today I accomplished my last fitness goal that I set 14 months ago at the beginning of my journey to heath. I ran a mile around City Park without stopping! (thanks to the support of my friend Nikki Sandschaper!) My body probably could have done the work several months ago but I had a huge mental block about being able to check it off my list.

Being able to surprise yourself or meet a goal that you set is so rewarding. Set small goals that you know you can do as well as big goals for the long time future. Success at small things leads to success at the big things.

This morning I surprised myself yet again on how strong I am and what I can do. So my challenge to you is: Do something today you didn’t know you could do. Surprise yourself in some way today to inspire healthier choices in the future. Maybe it’s a fitness goal. Maybe it’s go to your favorite restaurant but skip the appetizer. Do something today you didn’t know you could do! Show yourself how strong you can be!