Yoga Pants Diary

December 29, 2015July 12, 2017

Out of Control

The holidays are so hard. I’ve been feeling out of control with my eating for a little while now and the holidays totally derailed me.

When you exercise as much as a I do, it’s really easy to ‘forgive’ little treats throughout the day. After hitting my goal weight, (and then my fight weight) I did really well for a long time. I stayed balanced with my fitness and calorie intake. I still stayed away from high sugar foods and kept my system pretty clean. However, when October hit, I started to struggle. In mid-October I ran the Rock and Roll Half Marathon. Leading up to the race, I had been running and boxing so much that I could almost eat whatever I wanted. So I started to. I still avoided multiple high calorie/high sodium meals in the same day. I still would have one or two pieces of pizza and not seven. I still followed all my ‘rules’ but didn’t at the same time. I found myself excusing little snacks throughout the day. Sure I can have a few pieces of candy from the dish. Sure I’d like to try that snack you’re offering. Sure I want that birthday cupcake. I deserve it right?

Recently, I haven’t been running at all, except at the gym. There are no races coming up and I can’t risk the injury of running in bad weather. I’m totally focused on boxing right now. But when I stopped running, my weight started to creep up little by little. I’ve never eaten my exercise calories back. I don’t consider exercise as ‘negative’ to my calorie bank. But, I would excuse a treat because I exercised that day. A treat would be one cookie, a small scoop of ice cream, or fruit juice. But then it turned into candy. And then a brownie. And then several little bites all day. As the holidays go closer, I didn’t do any better. While my weight stayed consistent-ish, I could feel my system getting mucky. I like this feeling because it reminds me how clean my body likes to eat. But then the feeling goes away because it’s your new norm.

Now here it is two months later and I’m 4 pounds heavier. I know to a lot of people 4 pounds is a drop in the bucket. I too would have laughed at that sentence a year or two ago. However, I’m trying to keep my weight as consistent as possible for boxing. I need to get back on track. I need to hold myself more accountable and not give a list of reasons why it’s ok. Here’s my list of excuses over the last two months:

It’s Halloween
It’s Thanksgiving
It’s Christmas
It’s My Birthday
It’s New Years
I exercised today

But seriously, I’m just being lazy. I haven’t held myself to the same standards as I have been and I can feel a huge difference. My insides feel gross. My energy has been lower and I crave food all the time. My focus isn’t as strong and my weight has gone up.

Check back throughout the week to see what I’m going to do about it!

December 3, 2015December 3, 2015

I’m in a video ?!

Wow I really need to update that picture! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Recently my trainer and gym have been expanding their marketing and were shooting a short ‘promo’ video.

So this is basically totally bizarre for me in a way that might be hard to understand. When I look at this video, I can see that it’s me and I recognize myself, but it’s hard for me to believe that’s actually me. Who would put me in this cool video? Why aren’t I cut out?

When you spend the majority of your life in the shadows of society, it’s really weird when you aren’t anymore. When I was overweight, I wasn’t a wallflower by any means. What I mean by “shadow of society” is that no one really notices you. Men don’t look at you twice. Women dismiss you immediately. Even though everyone can see you, it’s like they never notice you. Now people see me all the time. I get the “Skinny Bitch” face all the time. ( you know what I’m talking about) Men look at me. Sometimes it’s the man with a woman ON HIS ARM that’s looking at me. (which I really freaking hate by the way).

I’ve been struggling with my identity in society for a while now (Read Here) but regardless of what ‘box’ I’m in now, it’s still weird to ME, which I think it most important. I can agree that the girl in this video looks good and fit. I agree that she doesn’t look like she has loose skin or literally lost half of her body. I can even ALMOST agree that that girl looks hot. But it still just doesn’t quite feel like me. I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will.

I’m the girl that gets cut out. I’m the girl that doesn’t have hardly any photos of her whole body for almost a decade. I’m the girl that stands in the back to hide her body from the camera. I’m the girl that would NEVER be filmed in a video. Right? Well. Apparently not. Do I have to spend equal amount of years in this body that I did in that body before it will fell like mine? That means I’ll feel normal in this body when……I’m…..50?! Let’s hope that’s not true.

November 23, 2015January 5, 2016

My First Real Sparring

Last year I wrote tips about how to keep thin on Thanksgiving each day of the week. Don’t forget to go back and check them out!

Last week, I finally had my first real experience “fighting” in the ring. First let’s be clear. A fight is when your in the ring to win a sanctioned match. When you’re training it’s called sparring. Just a note 😉

Most of you know that I’ve been taking boxing training for almost a year. I box almost everyday and I never get tired of it! I’ve been toying with the idea of actually competing in the amateur tournament, Colorado Golden Gloves for most of that time. A few things were holding me back: I hadn’t had enough experience in the ring to know if I had what it takes and……the hubby wasn’t hot about the idea.

After nearly 6 months of training I felt like I had good enough skills and wanted to open up the idea of fighting. After Dan came to the gym a few times and watched me, he agreed that I could try fighting if I wanted to. My trainer, Jameson Bostic, agreed that I should start sparring (unsanctioned fights at the gym) more so I could get more experience. After a few successful spars at the gym, one of the other trainers approached me about sparring with his client. We set the spar for the next day.

Right away my trainer had no worries. He knew that if I could just do what I know, I would be successful. But that is a BIG if. Up until now, I had never fought 100% against another person. It’s rare to spar with someone of your ability and weight. To make it safe and fair, we usually have rules when we spar. Sometimes you can only use your left had, sometimes I’m told not to go 100%, sometimes you’re only on defense or offense, sometimes I don’t get hit at all. While I had several sparring sessions under my belt, I had never gone 100% against another girl with both hands.

I was nervous ALL DAY. It had been a long time since I had taken hits in the ring to the face or head. My partner, Brandi, had experience and about 20 pounds (?) on me. I knew she would hit and she would hit hard. Would I freeze? Would I cry? What would happen? Jameson knew I was nervous and sent me messages throughout the day. When I arrived at the gym, I was more excited than nervous. Today was the day. Today was the day I’d know if I wanted to get in the ring and compete. And it was…………FREAKING AWESOME.

Some people think boxing is just violence with rules. I used to not be able to watch boxing or MMA on TV because I thought it was violent and gross. My first time sparring another girl the whole time I thought, “Why is she trying to hurt me?” But now I can see the sport that is in boxing. When I’m in my corner, I’m not thinking about hurting the other person. I’m thinking about beating them at their own game. I’m thinking about when they throw that punch I’m going to be right there throwing back. I’m thinking about their rhythm and dominant side and how I’m going to throw them off. I’m not thinking about how much it’s going to hurt because it doesn’t.

During the round, my adrenaline is so high, I barely feel getting hit. I’m more focused on the timing and her errors. We fought three rounds. My coach and I were hoping to go longer but her coach called it. Meaning…….I kicked her ass. See below for a breakdown of the rounds.

It felt INCREDIBLE. To be clear, it’s not punching the other girl, making her bleed, or even injuring her that felt incredible. Beating her at her own game felt incredible. Being the faster, smarter and stronger fighter felt incredible. Knowing that all the work I’d put in, all the sweat and tears felt incredible. Seeing the look on my trainer’s face and knowing he was proud was incredible. Over coming my own insecurities of not being good enough was like flying to the moon. I lived off the high of winning my first real spar for a few days. There’s no feeling quite like proving yourself wrong or realizing you can do whatever you want to do. You’d think that I’d gotten used to breaking the odds or overcoming new goals, but thankfully it just gets better and better.

Click here to view the whole fight via Google Drive

Round One: I spent WAY too much time trying to feel her out. I was trying to find her rhythm and I was on the defense. My trainer expected her to fight much differently so I spent some time trying to figure out their plan instead of destroying their plan.

Round Two: During round two I fought much better. I spent less time worrying about what she was going to do and put my plan in motion. There was even a moment in round 2 that she gave up and dropped her hands. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do so I stopped too! But I knew in round 2 I was going to ‘win’. Her punches weren’t strong enough and I was able to anticipate her throws quite a few times. After two right hands from me her mouth started to bleed.

Round Three: Brandi stopped about a minute into round three. She had hurt her shoulder and her coach didn’t want to continue.

Overall I’m really happy with how I fought. Watching back the video, I can see all sorts of things that I did wrong. I missed opportunities and always go to the left. But instead of beating myself up about the errors, I’m still holding my head high for getting in!

November 1, 2015

Rock and Roll Half Marathon

HOLY COW!?! It’s been a month since I posted?! Things have been soooooo super busy that everything has gotten away from me!

Things here have been going pretty well. I’ve really gotten back into the swing of things with work and still finding time for fitness. The hubby and I signed up for the Rock and Roll Half Marathon way back in July. Since then, we have been going on long runs every Sunday together. Things were much much different this time around for my second half marathon.

The Training

For my last half marathon, I trained religiously. I followed the Jeff Galloway plan (mostly…..) and tried to mix running with my regular boxing schedule. I ran short runs once or twice a week and a long run on the weekend. Of course I slowly ramped up my mileage until running 13.1 all by myself. This time I did things much differently knowing I had the mental stamina and physical endurance to carry me across the finish line.

Dan ran short runs on his own during the week. I skipped almost all of the short runs! I found that I was training so hard and long at boxing that I didn’t need the extra running time. Also, my body was happy not to be running so many miles. I still ran long runs on the weekend, but this time I had Dan with me. The runs went by a lot faster having someone with me. We don’t really talk when we run but it’s different to have someone there with you. I enjoyed the time together while still being able to have plenty of mental time to sort through my brain. I could always keep up on the long runs even with skipping the short runs.

As the marathon grew closer, we knew we would run out of weekends to practice the whole 13.1 miles. I knew that if Dan could do 10 miles, he could do 13.1. The first time he would go the whole distance was in the race!

The Morning Of

The morning of the race we were both pretty nervous. The temperature was much colder than we were used to. Also, we had to take a bus downtown to get to the race and we were feeling anxious about getting there on time. I checked a backpack for the first time at a race as well. I always avoided this because I thought it would be a pain, but it was actually pretty convenient. The bus got us downtown in time……..to stand in line for the bathroom.

While we were standing in line for the port-o-johns, we heard the first wave starting. I refuse to stop during the race unless absolutely necessary. We were in wave 6 and were trying to keep a time of 2:10. I really wanted to beat my previous time, even if just by a minute. I knew that if I ran the same pace I’d run on our 10 miler, I would make it.

I’m usually really early for races and end up standing at the starting line for 20 minutes at least. BUT, we waited for the bathroom for so long that we almost missed our starting time. When we were walking up, our wave was starting. So there was no time to stand and get pumped but no time to get nervous either. So there’s no ‘before the race’ picture otherwise it would have been a selfie in the port-o-john. Gross.

The Race

Dan and I had planned to run the race together and cross the finish line together. Since he had never gone the full distance, I was worried about Dan over-pacing himself and not being able to finish strong. Once we started, Dan made a rookie mistake and I was glad I was there to fix it. Dan took off like a bat out of hell. We are used to running 9:30-10:15 pace. We ran the first mile in 8:30. In a race, it’s so easy to get caught up with those around you. It’s easy to run at their pace not considering how much farther you have to go. (And let me tell you, most of the people in front of you in mile 3 are way behind you in mile 10 if you know how to pace yourself) When I finally caught him in mile two I said, “The point isn’t to beat everyone. I can’t keep running this pace and I can’t chase you for 13 miles. Are we running together or not? Let me pace you.” After that, things went much better.

The Rock and Roll is a very cool race. They had lots of local bands along the route. Also, the Denver route loops for the first few miles downtown so there are lots of spectators. The sunrise was beautiful and the people of Denver cheered us along the way. Some of the route was even our usual running route! We passed our apartment four times, which got harder each time!

When we picked up our race packets, they had wristbands with paces of them. We picked up the 2:10 wristband so all through the race I knew if we would finish on time. Because Dan sprinted the first two miles 🙂 we made up extra time that we needed at the end of the race. Each mile we were ahead but close to the pacer. In mile 10 the 2:10 pacer runner passed us and I was devastated. My heart sank and I thought we wouldn’t finish in time but I was also thinking that the pacer was a little too fast according to my calculations.

When we hit mile 12, I knew it was close. The last mile of the course was fun! My nike app clicked over to mile 13 and we could see the finish line around the corner. I grabbed Dan’s hand before we crossed the finish line.

The Times:

Official Colfax: 13. 2 miles, 2:21 Nike +: 13.1 miles, 2:18

Official R&R: 13.5 miles, 2:17 Nike+: 13.1 miles, 2:12

So according to my records, I broke my last time by 6 minutes. What made me even prouder was setting almost all new personal recorders and FINALLY breaking half an hour on a 5K, so thanks to Dan for running to darn fast at the beginning!

September 29, 2015

Proving Myself Wrong

This weekend was very emotional for me because I traveled to my hometown for my brother-in-law’s wedding. It was a joyous occasion and a few days filled with memories and flashbacks. Some were great and some were painful. I’m of course going to focus on one of the more painful ones. I feel like I had a bit of a break through in my emotional journey this week.

Over vacation it’s always hard to get a workout in but since the hubby was with me, I knew we could carve out some time. Twice I went running and did some body weight exercises. On Sunday morning, I was able to get away and spend sometime by myself on the track. While I was running, it hit me. This is where I gave up on myself.

All through my childhood I never felt good enough. I felt the same way when I did sports. In basketball, I was always second string no matter how ‘hard’ I worked (which let’s face it, was never really that hard). In track, I was never fast enough or fit enough to have any success at running. I ran the 400 meter, the 4 X 200 meter and sometimes the 4 X400 meter. I remember a lot of 4th place ribbons but NEVER a 1st place. I now believe that it was on that track that I gave up on myself. I suffered an injury during my freshman year of basketball where I dislocated my kneecap. I used this as my excuse for rest of high school and beyond. “I can’t run. I have a bad knee.” is what I would tell people all the time.

What I think I was really excusing was my feeling of failure. If I never tried, I never failed right? I committed my time to music and the arts and decided that was good enough and it has brought me so much joy in my life. But I gave up on my dream of every being a runner or a strong athlete.

As soon as I arrived at the track, I felt it all over again. The track felt huge and yet so small at the same time. I could hear my coaches yelling about how slow I was. I could hear myself saying I would never be fast enough. I would never be a runner. I would always be ashamed of my athleticism. I would never feel good about myself. I would………give up. It wasn’t just one day or one track practice; it was over time. But that’s where it happened. That’s where my life got paused. That’s where I decided I wasn’t worth it.

As I began to run, I knew I was going to click over my 200^th mile on my Nike+ running app. I thought back to all the miles I’ve run in the last year. One year ago I ran my first 5K. I remember being SUPER nervous like everyone was going to be watching me. I didn’t know if people would walk or run or judge me for walking. Now here I am, literally hundreds of miles from where I was. When you’ve trained and become a runner at a higher altitude, it’s much easier to run at a lower altitude. I’d already set how far I wanted to run before resting, but I found I never needed it. I could just keep running. And running. And running.

As I clicked over that 200^th mile, which in all actuality is probably my 300^th mile (since I never track at the gym and forget sometimes), I could feel my old self running with me. I could feel that 14 year old girl who never felt good enough falling behind. I could hear her shouting that I’d never be good enough or fast enough or pretty enough or just……enough. But this time I knew she was wrong.

She was wrong about so many things. So many things. Now I try to never think I can’t do something. Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t, and then I try anyway. Now I know that with the proper training, I can do anything I want to do. Now I know that only you can change you.

15 years ago I could have never pushed myself to run that track the way I did because I never knew I had it me in. Now I know. That’s the difference. Sorry for the language mom, but I ran the shit out of that track. All by myself. With no coach. No teammates. No one to push me but my own self. And if felt freaking awesome.

September 20, 2015July 12, 2017

I’m a Tough Mudder

Last weekend I ran and finished the Colorado Tough Mudder! For those of you that don’t know, the Colorado Tough Mudder is a 11.6 mile race with 20 obstacles. If that wasn’t hard enough, you start at 9,000 feet above sea level and rise another 2,600 feet along the course. Needless to say, it was a hard hard race. I’ve heard of obstacle races but never done one. So like usual if I’m going to bother, I might as well start with one of the hardest right?

My friend Blanche approached me about running it a few months ago. I’ve known Blanche for several months now and we work out together sometimes at TOS Boxing Gym. She is simply the sweetest and nicest person I think I’ve ever met. When she first asked me, other than it being a messy obstacle race, I didn’t know much about it. Being the moron I am, I agreed to do it before knowing much about it. No one would have EVER approached me about running a race like the TM 3 years ago. Not even 2 years ago. 1 year ago I’m not sure I could have finished. Thank goodness I felt obligated to fill one of the spots on Blanche’s team after I’d agreed or I might have missed out on one crazy and incredible weekend.

When I finally looked up the race, I couldn’t believe what I’d just signed myself up to do. The Tough Mudder is an expensive race, plus it was a three hour drive to the mountains and required a hotel night stay. I was already worried about how much money it would cost. So I spread the registration, parking pass and hotel night over a few pay periods. Eventually I saw on the Tough Mudder site that you could volunteer the second day of the race and get a reimbursement for your registration. Um…..run the race for free if I volunteer? Sign me up! More on that later….

So we arrived in Snowmass Village, Colorado on Saturday Morning. We got up pretty early to leave the city and make it in time for my start wave. We made it with over an hour to spare, which I was thankful for. At this point, I still didn’t really know what to expect. I had looked up the race course and saw it was 11.6 miles and not the 10 miles I had been told. I saw where the obstacles were and how far the running distance was between but I didn’t look up the obstacles or how to do them. I have been going to obstacle course training once a week for about a month. So I knew there wouldn’t be anything that I didn’t know how to approach or have the ability to do safely. I set out to run the course with two objectives in mind: finish and don’t get hurt.

Blanche told me to start without them because she knew the group would slow me down. What she didn’t know what I wasn’t running for time. I was running for the experience. The only reason I had trained was so I had confidence about my abilities and knew what I could do. I of course waited for the team and we all started together. At the start line is Sean Corvelle. He is known as “The Voice of the Mudder”. He gave an incredibly motivating speech filled with “Hoo-rahs” and shouting. He informed us of the Mudder Motto: No Mudder Left Behind. So when you finish and obstacle, you turn around to see who might need help behind you.

I was thankful that I had not looked up the obstacles. There were a few that I might not have tried if I knew exactly what I was doing. Some were freezing cold, some were wet, some were waist high mud and some were physical. Of course I loved the physical obstacles the best. When I got to the “Berlin Wall” I knew exactly how to get up and over by myself without getting hurt. This is why I went to training. Here’s a perfect ‘cat hang dismount’ over the wall!

One of my favorite moments of the race was at this obstacle: Balls to the Wall.

Once again I made it up and over with no problem. My teammates were aghast at my ‘monkey’ capabilities. But once again….training! When I got down, I waited for my teammates and looked for anyone that needed help. Once all four of us were over the wall, I saw the crowd was cheering someone on. At the top of the wall, a girl was stuck. She was heavier than expected for the physical requirements of this race. I saw myself in her immediately. Everyone was encouraging her but no one was up there with her. I looked around and said, “Is anyone going to get up there?” And then I realized I was probably the best person to do it. I was NOT going to let this girl fail. So I climbed the obstacle once again and talked her over the top. She was frozen and terrified of falling. BUT with my help, she was able to muster enough courage to get over the wall herself and down safely. I’ll never forget the smile on her face when she accomplished it. I don’t know if that girl finished the race. I know I’ll never see her again, but that moment was special to me. I saw so much of myself in her and it felt awesome to help her!

The hardest part of the race wasn’t the distance or the grossness or the altitude or the obstacles. The hardest part of the race was how long it took to do it. My team crossed the finish line in just over 5 hours. During the last hour I was really bored. I was tired of the race, tired of being muddy, tired of running, just…….tired! I knew I could keep going and I never thought of stopping. 5 hours is a long time for my brain to focus on any one task. I do 50 million things all day everyday and to take that big of a chunk of time was hard for me! I think I could have finished in 4 hours but it was worth the extra hour to have the company!

On Sunday, Dan and I volunteered at the check-in table. It was so fun to wish the runner’s good luck and answer questions they had about the course. Later, after people couldn’t check in anymore, we got to go to the finish line and put people’s headbands on when they crossed the finish line! That was even better! We could watch them go through the last obstacle, Electroshock Therapy, and then cheer them into the finish. Electroshock was no joke. It dropped me to the ground!

Here’s what I knew about running the Tough Mudder:

It would be hard and gross. It would be long.
Wear clothes that I don’t care about! (Which I did end up crossing the finish line with less than I started with but I kept and cleaned everything else)
I’m going to need a serious nap afterwards.
I could do it.

Here’s what I didn’t know about the Tough Mudder:

What I was really getting myself into.
When running the TM there’s a huge sense of camaraderie. Everyone is one big team; at least until mile 9 or so. There were 7,500 runners the day I ran.
HOW Hard, HOW Gross, and HOW Long it would actually be.
That I could get though it without breaking down mentally.
I wouldn’t be able to take a nap for sometime but Free Pumpkin Beer kinda helps 🙂
How proud I would be to finish.

Things to remember for next year:

Spray sunscreen is really convenient for your hairline which will be nearly purple by the time you finish if you do nothing. See above shot of Electroshock Therapy.
Wear a bright color so you can find yourself in the photos as your # is likely to be destroyed.
Bringing a backpack or bag is not as much of an inconvenience as I expected, like one of the members of our team did.
Bring a better marker because a Sharpie will wash off in the first obstacle.

The Tough Mudder is another thing on the very long list of accomplishments this year. It’s something I could have NEVER done before. It’s something I couldn’t have even dreamed about doing. And now I’m a Tough Mudder! Hoo-RAH!

September 7, 2015September 10, 2015

My Identity

These past few days and weeks I’ve had a lot of new people asking me about my health, diet and fitness. While it feels super awesome to inspire others and lend and ear, it has gotten me thinking a lot about my identity.

My Obese Identity

When I was morbidly obese, I always knew I was ‘the fat one’. I didn’t want this to be true but it was either way I look at it. What I mean is, how would your friends fill in this sentence:

“Oh you’ve met her, she’s the ______ we had dinner with the other night…..”

When filling in that sentence for me, undoubtedly that blank would be filled with FAT ONE. And who could blame anyone? My obesity was tied up in my identity. I’ve said this many times on this site but I’ll say it again: Being obese is like carrying the thing to hate most about yourself on the outside where everyone can see it. I do think there are other things that could have filled that blank when I was obese like: the music teacher. But that’s my job, which I love, not who I am. I didn’t want to be known for being the fat one OR for just being a music teacher. Being “THE FAT ONE” was never my true identity but I thought it was at the time.

My Identity Now

I know that this sentence is much much different for me now. There’s so much emotional work that goes along with changing what you look like. One thing I wasn’t prepared for on my journey, was how others would respond to me. I’ve changed my identity in society. Everyone puts everyone in boxes all day long. I’m slotted into a much different box of stereotypes now than I was before. This is both good and bad. BUT I’m so proud of the things that I would fill that sentence with about myself now:

runner, fit girl, boxer, ninja, crazy person……

People still assume things about me all day long. When I was obese people automatically think: lazy, slow, unambitious, early death. (Which were all true) Now I think people think: Health freak, gym rat, nutrition nerd, runner (which are all kinda true too…..) The point is, I’m ok with my identity in society now. If someone thinks I’m too muscley, I’ll take that EVERYDAY over being half way to a heart attack. If someone assumes I spend 10 hours a days at the gym because of how I look, I’m ok with that stereotype too. I didn’t just change the way I look on the outside and the way I feel on the inside. I changed who I am to the entire world. Pretty freakin cool.

August 30, 2015

Vacation #2 – NYC

Since I’ve been back at work for two weeks now, I thought it was time to write about my second vacation to New York City. I’m already dreaming again of what it was like to have so much time off! I love my job but I’m totally spoiled by the summer.

In New York City, I had the time of my life. (If you didn’t sing that last phrase in your head, we obviously aren’t friends) Once again, I noticed how much easier the whole trip was because I was fit and active. I can only imagine what the trip would have been like if I had gone two years ago. And once again I would have missed so many things.

Walking – So it’s true what they say about NYC, it’s a walking city. The subway and buses are easy to figure out but you still have to know how to get to the stations. And, since I’m fit when it was only a mile or so, we’d just walk it. Rarely, and usually late at night, we would take a taxi. I tried not to add it up when we were there because I didn’t want to discourage myself from walking more. I knew I was talking a TON because my legs hurt everyday. I worked out only twice while there, see below, but I was sore the whole time. Also, I knew I wasn’t gaining weight even though I tried nearly all the food. Walking gives you a totally different perspective of the city. I would have missed a lot by driving.

Here’s my day’s walking totals:

Day 1: Airport, Staten Island Ferry, Dinner, Lots of walking around, 12 miles

Day 2: Morning walk, Brooklyn Bridge, Financial District, Battery Park, Ground Zero, Coney Island, 14 miles

Day 3: Time Square, Garment District, Central Park, Broadway, Boxing, 14 miles

Day 4: Freedom Tower, Empire State Building, Wall Street, Fire Museum, Airport, 10 miles

Grand Total: 50+ miles!

Food – I wanted to eat anything I wanted in NYC. Because I was walking so much, I was able to partake in all the New York traditions: pizza, hot dog cart, cheesecake and bagels! Everything was wonderful. It was so nice to not worry too much about what I was eating! As long as I kept up my water intake, I knew my weight would be fine. I was so happy to see I’d actually lost weight on vacation when I got back!

Workouts – My friend and I had already discussed what workouts we wanted to do before we left, we ended up doing about half of them. Our legs were so sore from walking that we knew we didn’t need much more activity. I had two killer workouts while I was there.

After reading The Long Run by Matt Long, I had set a personal goal of running the 6 mile loop in Central Park. To quickly summarize: Matt Long is a NY firefighter who survives 9/11 only to be hit by a city bus during the transit strike. Matt was an Ironman and marathon runner before his accident and he would dream of running in Central Park. He eventually recovered enough to run marathons and even an Ironman again. I was so inspired by his story and his book that I couldn’t wait to run his favorite path in Central Park. I ran it with him in mind and crushed it! It was a very emotional and spiritual moment for me.

Jameson, my boxing trainer, is from Brooklyn. So when I was planning a trip to NYC he set up a training session with his original trainer at New Bed Stuy Boxing. In one short and sweaty lesson, Naye fixed elements of my stance and my punches. It was a great workout and it was fun to see where my trainer began his own journey. I was proud to show his teacher what he had taught me.

Sleep – When you only get so many hours in NYC, I didn’t want to waste it sleeping. I wanted to sleep as little as possible so we had more hours to do things. Because I’m used to pushing through when I’m exhausted in workouts, I was able to keep going. I got to pack my hours with all the things I wanted to do and keep going. While I was tired most days, my natural energy from being active kept me going. Needless to say I slept A LOT when I got home!

All though the trip I kept wondering how it would have been different if it was three years ago. I would not have been able to see half of what I wanted. The trip would have been more expensive because I would have had to rent a car and pay to park everywhere. I wouldn’t have figured out how easy it is to take the subway or buses. I wouldn’t have been able to eat all the NY treasures without guilt. (although I probably would have anyway…..) I definitely wouldn’t have run Central Park. I would have missed out on most of my favorite moments of the trip.

One of my favorite moments was seeing the ocean in Coney Island. We went to Coney Island on a spur of the moment decision. We saw that they subway line went all the way there, so we just decided to go. When we got down to the beach, neither of us had our swimming suits on. But how often do you get the chance to swim and play in the ocean? I actually played in the ocean in my bra and underwear. This is something that NEVER would have happened before and was probably my favorite moment. I would have missed so much without even knowing it. I would have been uncomfortable and nervous the entire time. But because I knew I could go anywhere I wanted and be able to walk back, because I was confident in my appearance, because I could just relax, I was able to have the time of my dreams!

August 18, 2015

What I Want You To See

I’ve had a lot of experiences in the past few weeks that I will be posting and writing about. But this week, I stumbled across a photo on Instagram that I just had to share. It stopped me in my tracks and it has haunted me for days.

Photographer: Meg Gaiger (Happyimages), via Instagram

This photo gives me mixed emotions everytime: sad and horrified but I also understand the girl in this picture.

All through my childhood I felt like this girl. No matter how active I was or what I ate, I always felt bigger and fatter than my peers. Even when I look back at photos of my young self and see that I was pretty normal, it isn’t how I felt. I don’t remember idolizing models or movie stars in my Tiger Beat but I remember looking at others. I always wanted to be as thin as my sister. I wanted to wear a bikini like my friends at the local beach. I wanted to be a starter on the basketball team instead of second or third string.

BUT I did not know how to do it in a healthy way and didn’t know I could ask for help. I remember having body issues as young as 4th grade, maybe sooner. Things only got worse through middle and high school.

In 6th grade, I got bullied by one girl in particular. She would make me feel fat and ugly all the time. She and her friends would laugh at me from across the hallway or in the back of the room. I never understood why she choose me or why she bullied me. I’ll never know, but it effected how I started to see myself. I started to notice more and more how I was different. I was taller and a little heavier. By the end of middle school and going in to high school, I did not have a healthy self image. I was constantly judging myself against others. When I was in high school, I realized I could change how I looked. Throughout the four years of high school I experimented with anorexia, bulimia, water pills, diet pills and weight loss bars or shakes. No one seemed to notice that I was struggling. I never stuck to one method for long enough for it to be that noticeable. My friends didn’t even know.

My senior year of high school was the hardest. My family experienced quite a lot of stress that year and it was easy to hide in the back ground. I lost over 30 pounds by starving myself. I would eat one or two diet bars a day and diet soda. When you’re at school all day, have an after school job, and then musical rehearsal until 9 pm, it’s easy to hide your eating habits. I could drive myself everywhere and my parents were always at an appointment or work. It wasn’t their fault, no one really knew. I don’t remember why I stopped. My focus shifted to moving to college I suppose. While I feel like this was one of the hardest times in my life, my confusion about health and eating continued until just recently.

When I look at the photo above, I am that girl. But what I truly worry about it is young girls seeing me now. I don’t want ANYONE to ever look at me and feel bad about themselves. Every day I get the “Skinny Bitch Face” from someone. I always want to stop them and explain my story and who I am. I wish I could wear a shirt that says “Healthy NOT Skinny”. This was my goal all along. I want young girls to see me and think “I want to be healthy like her!” I want them to see me running down the street and want to be able to do what I can do. I NEVER want a young girl to see me and feel bad about themselves or make the kinds of choices that I did when I was young.

But how to spread this message……..

July 31, 2015August 1, 2015

Vacation #1

This past week I traveled home to the Midwest. I was a little nervous about seeing my family after a full year of not seeing them. I’ve changed both physically and emotionally in the last year. But family is always family……..right?

I had a lot of first moments on this trip. My whole life I’ve looked up to my sister. Stephanie is two years older than me and is a stay-at-home mom. She is raising three beautiful and well-behaved children who are already turning into outstanding little humans. Through our childhood I was constantly jealous of my sister. She was always taller, skinnier and prettier. My parents did a good job of loving us the same way and giving us the same opportunities. I was never jealous that she was the older sibling and I was the younger, but it definitely effects your development.

As a younger sibling, a lot of times I felt like I was in her shadow. She was the first to do everything: walk, talk, date, break curfew, sneak out of the house…… It bothered me for a long time through adolescence that everything I did had already been done. Then in high school I started to create my own path that lead me to who I am today. I think it just takes a while for siblings of the same sex to be individuals. Even after I had grown to be an adult, I still felt a lot of the same things from childhood. Steph was still skinnier, healthier and prettier. Even my mother was skinnier and healthier than I was. I thought my place in the family was the ‘fat one’. I thought I had my mom’s physique and always envied my sister for having my father’s. My family would gently express their concern for my weight but I felt like I didn’t ‘fit’ in my family for a long time and getting skinny wouldn’t change that. Well for this trip, I finally felt like I physically fit in my own family. I do have my father’s physique; I just could never see it.

Being able to fit in physically allowed me to have a lot more fun. We went hiking, which I never would have done before. We went to the public pool where I was seen in a bathing suit! I even went off of the diving board, letting everyone see me in all my glory. Other than a few times already this summer, I hadn’t been to a public pool in years. I had not gone off a diving board since I was dating my husband or went to summer camp. I was fit enough to feel confident doing flips and fun dives. I would have missed out on this bonding time and fun with my family if I hadn’t changed my life. On a two-mile hike, I was able to talk and run with my niece, whom I don’t get to see very often. My niece Phoebe is my twin. She is the middle sibling in her family and reminds me so much of myself. She’s quirky, caring, funny, helpful and a little awkward. We were able to talk and laugh with each other in a way we hadn’t before. Another important bonding experience I would have been on the sidelines for.

Being physically fit and being happy with my body made me feel like I fit in my family for the first time. They never excluded me from these events before but I would find a way to exclude myself because I wasn’t comfortable. I was holding myself back from knowing and loving my family in the way I wanted to, with my weight. Having that weight gone left so much more room to bond with them.

I have a much, much different life than my immediate and most of my extended family. Almost everyone in my family is conservative, religious and lives in a rural area. I’m very liberal and love living in what my mother calls “The Big City”. My family and I don’t agree on a lot of political topics or major societal issues; so sometimes I feel like I don’t quite fit in mentally either. This is not a result from them. They are always interested in my opinions and don’t try to pressure me to come their side of the issue. On rare occasion we can agree on things, like Donald Trump’s hair.

While I do not expect these parts of our relationship to change anytime soon, I found that with my confidence up, so were my opinions. I’ve never been one to hold back my thoughts or change my beliefs for the crowd I’m in. But, in the past it’s been hard not to back down or just leave my opinion out. This time, I felt like I not only had confidence in my body, but since I’ve done a lot of emotional work, my beliefs are stronger. I felt like I could say what I meant more clearly. While I still have A LOT to figure out, I felt more confident emotionally as well. This made me feel closer to my family, like I was letting them see who I really am. It made me feel like I fit in, even though we are so different.

Another big change in my trip this time was my ability to stay calm. I know for sure this is a result of exercise and specifically boxing. I usually get nervous to fly but not for the actual flight. I hate the process at the airport and always worry I’ll lose luggage or something will come up that makes me miss my flight. I felt a lot more calm and confident about flying and getting through the airport. I even had a connecting flight, which I’d never done before. The whole time I felt a lot less anxious than ever before.

Usually on a trip, I like to know what we are eating the next day, where are we going, how long will it take to get there, when will we come back……… This time it was a lot easier to just roll with the punches. I felt like I was able to give up control and just enjoy my time, most of the time. I knew there was nothing they’d ask me to do that was uncomfortable or I couldn’t do physically. This made me less anxious the entire trip. I even slept better and didn’t get ‘travel belly’.

The whole trip was awesome and I loved t almost every minute. (Being eaten to death by mosquitoes in 98% humidity can just never be fun for me) If I hadn’t lost the weight and worked on my mentality, I wouldn’t have enjoyed this trip as much. I would have missed out on essential bonding with my nieces and nephews. I would have worried the whole time. AND I didn’t even realize how much I was missing before. I would have never even known. I wouldn’t have this beautiful picture of me and my sister.