{"id":1022,"date":"2015-09-29T20:19:36","date_gmt":"2015-09-30T02:19:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/?p=1022"},"modified":"2015-09-29T20:19:36","modified_gmt":"2015-09-30T02:19:36","slug":"proving-myself-wrong","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/?p=1022","title":{"rendered":"Proving Myself Wrong"},"content":{"rendered":"

This weekend was very emotional for me because I traveled to my hometown for my brother-in-law’s wedding.\u00a0 It was a joyous occasion and a few days filled with memories and flashbacks.\u00a0 Some were great and some were painful.\u00a0 I’m of course going to focus on one of the more painful ones.\u00a0 I feel like I had a bit of a break through in my emotional journey this week.<\/p>\n

Over vacation it’s always hard to get a workout in but since the hubby was with me, I knew we could carve out some time.\u00a0 Twice I went running and did some body weight exercises.\u00a0 On Sunday morning, I was able to get away and spend sometime by myself on the track.\u00a0 While I was running, it hit me.\u00a0 This is where I gave up on myself.<\/p>\n

All through my childhood I never felt good enough.\u00a0 I felt the same way when I did sports.\u00a0 In basketball, I was always second string no matter how ‘hard’ I worked (which let\u2019s face it, was never really that hard).\u00a0 In track, I was never fast enough or fit enough to have any success at running. I ran the 400 meter, the 4 X 200 meter and sometimes the 4 X400 meter. I remember a lot of 4th place ribbons but NEVER a 1st place.\u00a0 I now believe that it was on that track that I gave up on myself.\u00a0 I suffered an injury during my freshman year of basketball where I dislocated my kneecap.\u00a0 I used this as my excuse for rest of high school and beyond. \u201cI can\u2019t run. I have a bad knee.\u201d is what I would tell people all the time.<\/p>\n

What I think I was really excusing was my feeling of failure.\u00a0 If I never tried, I never failed right? I committed my time to music and the arts and decided that was good enough and it has brought me so much joy in my life. But I gave up on my dream of every being a runner or a strong athlete.<\/p>\n

\"12063288_10102957128193499_271472112879489949_n\"<\/a><\/p>\n

As soon as I arrived at the track, I felt it all over again. The track felt huge and yet so small at the same time.\u00a0 I could hear my coaches yelling about how slow I was.\u00a0 I could hear myself saying I would never be fast enough.\u00a0 I would never be a runner.\u00a0 I would always be ashamed of my athleticism.\u00a0 I would never feel good about myself.\u00a0 I would………give up.\u00a0 It wasn’t just one day or one track practice; it was over time.\u00a0 But that’s where it happened.\u00a0 That’s where my life got paused.\u00a0 That’s where I decided I wasn’t worth it.<\/p>\n

As I began to run, I knew I was going to click over my 200th<\/sup> mile on my Nike+ running app. I thought back to all the miles I\u2019ve run in the last year. One year ago I ran my first 5K. I remember being SUPER nervous like everyone was going to be watching me. I didn\u2019t know if people would walk or run or judge me for walking. Now here I am, literally hundreds of miles from where I was. When you\u2019ve trained and become a runner at a higher altitude, it\u2019s much easier to run at a lower altitude. I\u2019d already set how far I wanted to run before resting, but I found I never needed it. I could just keep running. And running. And running.<\/p>\n

As I clicked over that 200th<\/sup> mile, which in all actuality is probably my 300th<\/sup> mile (since I never track at the gym and forget sometimes), I could feel my old self running with me. I could feel that 14 year old girl who never felt good enough falling behind. I could hear her shouting that I\u2019d never be good enough or fast enough or pretty enough or just\u2026\u2026enough. But this time I knew she was wrong.<\/p>\n

\"12033058_10102958877542789_4748051716381778711_n\"<\/a><\/p>\n

She was wrong about so many things. So many things. Now I try to never think I can\u2019t do something. Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn\u2019t, and then I try anyway. Now I know that with the proper training, I can do anything I want to do. Now I know that only you can change you.<\/p>\n

15 years ago I could have never pushed myself to run that track the way I did because I never knew I had it me in.\u00a0 Now I know.\u00a0 That’s the difference.\u00a0 Sorry for the language mom, but I ran the shit out of that track.\u00a0 All by myself.\u00a0 With no coach.\u00a0 No teammates.\u00a0 No one to push me but my own self.\u00a0 And if felt freaking awesome.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This weekend was very emotional for me because I traveled to my hometown for my brother-in-law’s wedding.\u00a0 It was a joyous occasion and a few days filled with memories and flashbacks.\u00a0 Some were great and some were painful.\u00a0 I’m of course going to focus on one of the more painful ones.\u00a0 I feel like I … <\/p>\n

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