Friday I went to yoga class for the first time in 7 weeks. I was super excited to go because I love my yoga time. For those that don\u2019t know: I\u2019m always going 90 miles an hour. I do 100 things in a day and have a hard time being quiet and still. This is something I\u2019m still working on. Yoga is a way I make myself slow down. It helps reset me; ground me. Friday\u2019s at 6am is my go to class. Always. I love my routines and my yoga teacher, Chris. Not having yoga in my life (or in my body) was hard over this recovery period. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wasn\u2019t sure what I\u2019d be able to do before class. I couldn\u2019t do it all. I could feel my body fighting me. I\u2019d ask it do something and it would say \u2018eh…nah\u2019. I can\u2019t fire my core muscles like I want to and I was pretty exhausted after 30 minutes of the hour had passed. Also, has the room always been this hot? Lol. Every workout I do, every event I attend, every day of work is harder than it used to be. For a while, my life physically felt effortless. There wasn\u2019t anything I didn\u2019t think I could train my body to do. If I set a goal, I met it. But on the inside, my emotions were a mess. I was still hiding behind a mask that I didn\u2019t even understand. I still had a lot of the same insecurities I\u2019d started this whole journey with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Through this recovery I\u2019ve had my physical strength taken away. I had to have help with my socks for a few days. I had to use my arms to sit up and down for weeks. I didn\u2019t sleep comfortably on my side for six weeks. I\u2019m finally standing up straight and proud, almost walking at my normal pace. But through that time, my emotional strength has compounded. I\u2019ve unpacked parts of myself I\u2019ve ignored for a long time. The more I unpack the more grounded and peaceful I feel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know why everything I do is still hard. Logically I understand the science my body is experiencing. I\u2019m still healing. I\u2019m still regaining my mobility and stamina. I went from hyper mobile to sedentary overnight. My muscles and skin are still stitching their nerves back together. I understand what\u2019s happening, but having patience with myself is different. Reminding myself in mid moment weakness is the hard part. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know it\u2019s shocking to hear that I haven\u2019t always been kind to myself. There\u2019s nothing anyone could think or say about me I haven\u2019t thought about myself once or ten times. I get frustrated easily and overwhelmed. I\u2019m generally impatient and have the least amount of patience for myself. But I\u2019ve grown a lot this year. I\u2019m starting to find peace in the silence. I\u2019m starting to crack the code of my own anxiety. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This week, as much as I wanted not to, I listened to my body and not my brain. The second I started running again, my brain started to tell me to run more and keep running because it was the only way to feel better. I know this is crazy but running makes me feel comfortable and normal. Being a runner is something I love about myself and doing it gives me confidence. My brain tried to tell me I was weak for not trying to run harder and longer but my body knew better. Inversion in yoga is probably my favorite thing and Friday, I didn\u2019t do it. I was tempted and disappointed when I knew I shouldn\u2019t. Instead of feeling weak and having a pity party, I accepted where I was and accepted my body\u2019s abilities with grace. It\u2019s easy to be thankful for my new body but I\u2019m still greedy to be where I was before. I want my physical body to make the same advancements as my emotional side lately. They are slowly aligning but I wish could force it. (See above……impatient!) <\/p>\n\n\n\n
All of the discomfort and pain that I\u2019ve felt physically in this recovery process has helped me grow emotionally. It\u2019s in the hard moments that we grow the most. After the most amount of pain, we can find healing. The darkest moments are before the daybreak. The last snow before the most beautiful spring. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The key for me now is to keep doing workouts that do make me feel good. I can\u2019t force motivation. I can\u2019t force healing. I can\u2019t force my body to do things it can\u2019t do. I can control the forgiveness, understanding and grace I give myself through this time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Friday I went to yoga class for the first time in 7 weeks. I was super excited to go because I love my yoga time. For those that don\u2019t know: I\u2019m always going 90 miles an hour. I do 100 things in a day and have a hard time being quiet and still. This is … <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yogapantsdiary.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/img_4436.jpg?resize=525%2C525&ssl=1\")
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