I have panic attacks. It\u2019s happened since high school and sometimes occurs without warning. Sometimes I can feel it building all day. Sometimes I go months without having them and sometimes it happens a few times in a week. It\u2019s been 6 months since I\u2019ve had one, till a few weeks ago. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes I\u2019m triggered into an attack when I\u2019m already overwhelmed and over stressed. Sometimes it\u2019s more emotional. Since my anxiety branches from trauma, feelings that remind me of that time can also pull me into an attack. This time it was only four words from Dan. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s hard for me to be vulnerable. I don\u2019t trust easily and I am hard to get to know. I\u2019m much more likely to keep you at arms length than let you into my wolf pack. I don\u2019t maintain a lot of close friendships and usually only have best friends. I like to control my environment and I\u2019m a great puppet master. Lately, I\u2019ve felt super vulnerable as I step into who I really am. It\u2019s uncomfortable and scary but the closer I get, the less anxiety I feel. The more I\u2019m comfortable, the more my wolf pack accepts and loves me. I\u2019ve never been closer to my best friends than I am right now. I usually feel an underlying anxiety 80% of the time. I\u2019m good at hiding it and I\u2019ve learned to carry it as my passenger. But as I learned to hide my anxiety, I also learned to hide the reasons it was there. The more I expose my demons and slay them, the more at calm I feel. As the anxiety recedes, I\u2019m able to feel emotions that I haven\u2019t felt in a long time. The other day I cried because I was genuinely happy. Twice. If I had to label my anxiety now, I\u2019d say it\u2019s at 30% of the time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I thought I was over panic attacks. I\u2019ve only had a handful in the last two years. After a particularly vulnerable night, I knew Dan and I needed to talk. The first words he said to me threw into an instant panic attack. He was trying to express some feelings and chose the wrong words. What I heard was \u201cYou are unlovable now\u201d which is like my #1 fear in life. Trigger attack. Once I\u2019m in an attack I\u2019m unreachable and unreasonable for 15 mins to an hour. It\u2019s exhausting. You can see and hear yourself doing it but have no control over what\u2019s happening. It\u2019s likes the worst fight you\u2019ve ever had with someone you\u2019d never ever want to hurt, but it\u2019s you that you\u2019re fighting. It\u2019s you that\u2019s hurting. And you just have to watch yourself do it to yourself. I can\u2019t really talk when it\u2019s happening. Dan just held me and waited. He\u2019s seen it once before so he understood what he was seeing. I\u2019m almost always alone when it happens. It\u2019s embarrassing. Which means I should probably share it with all of you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been doing great overall. Mostly keeping my shit together and ducks in a row. I\u2019m at 90% usual energy and 50% on workouts. I still don\u2019t sleep at all but I\u2019m used to it at this point. That night was a surprise. I guess I thought I was cured from all this crap? I\u2019m shedding everything: literally skin, emotional weight, items from my home, items from my life that no longer bring me any purpose. I\u2019m just so over it. They say you shouldn\u2019t make big decisions when you\u2019re grieving……but I\u2019m pretty sure empty CDs from the 90s don\u2019t need space in my home anymore. Everything that happens is lessening the load on my soul. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m also getting back to reading which I haven\u2019t been doing. I listen to audiobooks and lots of podcasts. I read workout and fitness articles. But now I\u2019m really reading. Reading for my soul and it feels good. I\u2019d apologize for the language in this post but I\u2019m just not sorry. I want to be in the place where four words can\u2019t send me into an attack. I want to be in the place where no one\u2019s opinions, thoughts or words have so much power over me. I want to be unfuckwithable. I\u2019m getting closer and closer everyday. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ll leave you with this short but effective poem by c c spicer: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Certain things may have happened to you that<\/p>\n\n\n\n
caused a lot of pain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But remember, you are getting a lot stronger in <\/p>\n\n\n\n
the process. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not hurting you, it\u2019s building you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You are unfuckwithable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\t\u2043\tc. c. spicer <\/p>\n\n\n\n I have panic attacks. It\u2019s happened since high school and sometimes occurs without warning. Sometimes I can feel it building all day. Sometimes I go months without having them and sometimes it happens a few times in a week. It\u2019s been 6 months since I\u2019ve had one, till a few weeks ago. Sometimes I\u2019m triggered … <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/yogapantsdiary.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/img_4802.jpg?resize=525%2C526\")
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