{"id":1594,"date":"2020-01-20T16:11:24","date_gmt":"2020-01-20T23:11:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/?p=1594"},"modified":"2020-01-20T17:06:43","modified_gmt":"2020-01-21T00:06:43","slug":"if-it-doesnt-fit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/?p=1594","title":{"rendered":"If It Doesn\u2019t Fit"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Have you ever seen the most beautiful sunrise thought, \u201cCrap. Another day.\u201d I used to wonder how many days I\u2019d get off work if I got in a car accident. I felt loved and happy less than 25% of the time. TV and food were my favorite past times and I could feel a silent scream building inside that frightened me. I thought this was totally normal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you try something on at the store but it doesn\u2019t fit, you don\u2019t buy it. When you order it online, if there\u2019s a store to go to, maybe you\u2019ll return it. If it\u2019s online only……chances are you\u2019ll end up keeping it if it wasn\u2019t very expensive or giving to a girlfriend. Now imagine buying something online, site unseen because it\u2019s been chosen for you, and you have to wear it everyday of your life. It costs years of salary and it\u2019s non refundable. The outfit arrives. It doesn\u2019t fit and it\u2019s hideous. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your choices are to send it back and still be out a crap ton of money or make it work. There\u2019s no way you can buy another. So, you make it fit. You try to wear it under and over other things but, no matter how hard you try, it just doesn\u2019t fit. But you have no choice right? You just keep wearing it day in and day out. This is how my life felt in the Midwest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I grew up a red headed, straight, white, Christian girl in the far far suburbs of Chicago. I went to church on Sundays and Wednesday\u2019s. My first boyfriend and first kiss were the Pastors Grandson. (PS he\u2019s now married to a man) I didn\u2019t ask a lot of questions. I was taught to be quiet and respectful. I never knew what it was like to be a victim of stereotype or even know what privilege meant. Everyone I knew looked like me and did the same things I did. It\u2019s just what…..you did. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I took piano lessons starting in kindergarten and loved music from an early age. I\u2019ve always shown a high aptitude for music and arts. I grew up in the theatre as well and performed in shows, concerts and recitals for decades. My mom watched every single one. I never had much talent for sports, although I tried. When it came time to go to college, it was a no brainer that I\u2019d go to music school and become a teacher. If I\u2019d known then what I know now, that was one of my first big mistakes but I made the choice on my own. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I moved to college we started going to the city all the time. I learned my way around Chicago and can still navigate downtown by the smell of the water. I even dated a man that lived downtown that was much too old for me for a while. Scandalous I know. It was my first real experience of spreading my arms and making the choices I wanted. It felt incredible. I loved the city and couldn\u2019t get enough. I dreamed of moving there or transferring to one of the schools downtown. I even filled out and application. I felt drawn to the city. Then I started dating Dan. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Dan is an introvert and much different than me. Intrinsically were nearly identical but we definitely live our days on different wave lengths. My parents were always a little concerned about him even though they loved him right away. Dan wasn\u2019t a strong Christian and that\u2019s who I was expected to marry. Dan wasn\u2019t even a Christian at all really. They thought he\u2019d poison me, and they were right but that would be years and years later. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the first five years of our marriage we did it. We had a house we rented, a dog, attended church with friends, came home to celebrate birthdays and holidays, obligatory mediocre sex and I was a full time teacher. Everyone was asking \u201cWhen are you going to have kids?\u201d I had everything I\u2019d ever wanted, right? I was totally miserable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was more excited by cheeseburgers and The Bachelor than I was having sex, so I just ate more and more. I was more excited about a day of going no where than seeing friends, so I just became more immobile. Every moment of worth I got from my job and I had no inner self worth. I didn\u2019t look forward to any days really, everyday felt the same. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I feel like I could keep writing this post forever so I\u2019m gonna wrap it up: nothing in my life in Illinois felt like it fit. I always dreamed of getting out and changing. I almost didn\u2019t. I almost didn\u2019t choose a different life for myself. I was supposed to fit in there because I was supposed to be a lot of things. I was supposed to marry a Christian man and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence in a good school district. Instead I have an agnostic man who just got a vasectomy before we end up with an unwanted kid in our tiny city apartment. The Midwest and the life that I was supposed to have didn\u2019t fit me. I know I disappointed some people and broke some hearts along the way. I know that who I am now makes some people from my past uncomfortable. I know it\u2019s hard to see me change when you haven\u2019t. I\u2019m sorry if you\u2019ve accepted a life that displeases you; I refuse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you ever seen the most beautiful sunrise thought, \u201cCrap. Another day.\u201d I used to wonder how many days I\u2019d get off work if I got in a car accident. I felt loved and happy less than 25% of the time. TV and food were my favorite past times and I could feel a silent … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “If It Doesn\u2019t Fit”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1594","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4PFDd-pI","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1594","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1594"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1594\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1634,"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1594\/revisions\/1634"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1594"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1594"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yogapantsdiary.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1594"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}