It’s been a while since I posted an update on my recovery only because I’ve been busy! When I’m not busy I’m napping. 🙂 Balancing work, rest and fun has still been difficult. I want to do all the things I used to do now that I’m ‘recovered’. Let’s talk about what recovered is actually looking like.
Before my surgery, I was deadlifting 185 pounds, squatting 135 and slinging around yellow 35 lb kettlebells for all my single arm and leg exercises. I’d been playing with the 80 pound atlas stone, regaining my handstand pushup and finally nailing crow pose in yoga. I was running 30-35 miles per week. Now…….oh boy. Today I was a little embarrassed to be in the weight room.
Today I used my body weight and a single PINK (18 lb) kettlebell in my workout. I haven’t moved anything over 45 lbs since surgery. I’ve run 1 single mile without stopping in almost seven weeks. I have a hard time in the prone position for more than 45 seconds. I thought being on full rest would be that hardest part, but this part? This is way harder. For some people the pink kettlebell is a goal. For me, it’s an embarrassment. I want to appear as strong as I was the day I left. While I still am in so many ways, my body just isn’t ready to do what I want it to do. At three months I should be doing everything I used to…….5 weeks go to.
Let’s talk more about my favorite subject: running. I became a runner in my old body, before I ever even hit my goal weight. I ran my first 5K in October 2014 for the Denver Fire Department. Since then, I’ve been hooked. I’ve completed 8 half marathons, dozens of obstacle races and hope to train for my first full marathon this year. I never knew what it was like to run in a normal body. When I ran, my stomach would hurt from bouncing up and down. Running shorts hold some things on normal bodies. Not mine. I could always feel my skin moving like some feel their breasts bouncing. Now when I run…..I don’t know what to do with my abs. I’ve never really thought about my abs when I ran. Now, I’m surprised how much I CAN’T feel moving around. Sometimes I touch my stomach when I run to make sure it’s still there. It’s the oddest feeling to know it’s normal now when it feels so abnormal. When I do a plank or push up now, my belly doesn’t touch the ground. Weird.
When I wake up in the morning, I never forget what I’m going to look like. I honestly can’t wait to look in the mirror. When I was obese, I never wanted to look in the mirror. When I was losing weight, I constantly struggled with what I looked like. I’d wake up in the morning and think I was still in my old body. When I’d touch my body, I didn’t like it. It felt wrong. Now when I touch my body, it feels right. Maybe in a way this is how transgender people feel? Might need to call a friend on that one……..
Anyway, everyday I wake up as myself now and I’m totally obsessed with me. I can’t wait to take progress photos each day. I’m buying a ton of clothes and constantly taking selfies. I love the way I look and the person I am now. I can feel all my parts aligning: my physical, spiritual and emotional self are coming together as one for the first time ever. I’ll never be the way I used to be. I’ll never be that person again.
I don’t want you to think I’m cured. I don’t ever want anyone reading this to think I got skinny, had some skin surgery and solved all my problems. This year I didn’t really lose or gain a single pound and yet I still fought some of my biggest demons. I had way more success than failure this year, yet I think it was my hardest. This year I found my courage. My courage to get the surgery, become who I really am and let others see me too. Stepping into who you really are can be quite painful when you’ve been hiding for so long. Growth is hard. Change is hard. But I promise on the other side there can be happiness. Across that finish line, there’s still more race to be run. Here’s to 2020. Let’s get going.
