Easy Doesn’t Change You

Friday I went to yoga class for the first time in 7 weeks. I was super excited to go because I love my yoga time. For those that don’t know: I’m always going 90 miles an hour. I do 100 things in a day and have a hard time being quiet and still. This is something I’m still working on. Yoga is a way I make myself slow down. It helps reset me; ground me. Friday’s at 6am is my go to class. Always. I love my routines and my yoga teacher, Chris. Not having yoga in my life (or in my body) was hard over this recovery period.

I wasn’t sure what I’d be able to do before class. I couldn’t do it all. I could feel my body fighting me. I’d ask it do something and it would say ‘eh…nah’. I can’t fire my core muscles like I want to and I was pretty exhausted after 30 minutes of the hour had passed. Also, has the room always been this hot? Lol. Every workout I do, every event I attend, every day of work is harder than it used to be. For a while, my life physically felt effortless. There wasn’t anything I didn’t think I could train my body to do. If I set a goal, I met it. But on the inside, my emotions were a mess. I was still hiding behind a mask that I didn’t even understand. I still had a lot of the same insecurities I’d started this whole journey with.

Through this recovery I’ve had my physical strength taken away. I had to have help with my socks for a few days. I had to use my arms to sit up and down for weeks. I didn’t sleep comfortably on my side for six weeks. I’m finally standing up straight and proud, almost walking at my normal pace. But through that time, my emotional strength has compounded. I’ve unpacked parts of myself I’ve ignored for a long time. The more I unpack the more grounded and peaceful I feel.

I know why everything I do is still hard. Logically I understand the science my body is experiencing. I’m still healing. I’m still regaining my mobility and stamina. I went from hyper mobile to sedentary overnight. My muscles and skin are still stitching their nerves back together. I understand what’s happening, but having patience with myself is different. Reminding myself in mid moment weakness is the hard part.

I know it’s shocking to hear that I haven’t always been kind to myself. There’s nothing anyone could think or say about me I haven’t thought about myself once or ten times. I get frustrated easily and overwhelmed. I’m generally impatient and have the least amount of patience for myself. But I’ve grown a lot this year. I’m starting to find peace in the silence. I’m starting to crack the code of my own anxiety.

This week, as much as I wanted not to, I listened to my body and not my brain. The second I started running again, my brain started to tell me to run more and keep running because it was the only way to feel better. I know this is crazy but running makes me feel comfortable and normal. Being a runner is something I love about myself and doing it gives me confidence. My brain tried to tell me I was weak for not trying to run harder and longer but my body knew better. Inversion in yoga is probably my favorite thing and Friday, I didn’t do it. I was tempted and disappointed when I knew I shouldn’t. Instead of feeling weak and having a pity party, I accepted where I was and accepted my body’s abilities with grace. It’s easy to be thankful for my new body but I’m still greedy to be where I was before. I want my physical body to make the same advancements as my emotional side lately. They are slowly aligning but I wish could force it. (See above……impatient!)

All of the discomfort and pain that I’ve felt physically in this recovery process has helped me grow emotionally. It’s in the hard moments that we grow the most. After the most amount of pain, we can find healing. The darkest moments are before the daybreak. The last snow before the most beautiful spring.

The key for me now is to keep doing workouts that do make me feel good. I can’t force motivation. I can’t force healing. I can’t force my body to do things it can’t do. I can control the forgiveness, understanding and grace I give myself through this time.