I have sat here with my open computer, cursor blinking in its own mocking way, a countless number of times. What is there to say about the last 2+ years that hasn’t already been said? Truth be told: I was empty. To sit and write takes energy and depth that I could not find. I’d sit here, after avoiding opening my computer for hours, and have no words to say. Back in early 2020, I had an ocean of motivation and creativity to get my message to you though quippy truths and the mockery of my former fat girl self. When the pandemic hit, that quickly turned to a puddle of uninspired and dishonest mumblings. And then it was just tears.
I have written this blog over the years for many reasons. I wanted there to be a semi-real time documentation to my weight loss and then personal growth. I wanted to help others understand their own journey and give a listening ear when reached out to. I wanted other people to know to be extraordinary is a choice and a very real possibility. But it’s also been a very real account of my personal truths. I often go back and read my posts like a letter to myself so I don’t forget. To sit in front of a blank screen and decide there’s a message that you have to say that only you can say, is a lot of pressure. A pressure I could not deal with for quite some time. To face a blank screen is like seeing your own reflection first thing in the morning after a rough late night. It holds all the truth you’re usually trying to avoid.
Let’s get to the real question I’m sure are on all my readers minds. Did she gain the weight back? And the answer is No. I did gain the traditional 15 quarantine pounds that we all enjoyed from eating curbside service and drinking to-go cocktails. My running lapsed for quite some time due to wild fires making the air quality outside nearly impossible and no access to a treadmill (gyms here closed for 3 months!). However, I kept a fitness routine during the entirety of life shutting down, got back into running and lost those 15 pounds fairly quickly. Especially now that we’ve experienced this word-wide catastrophe together, I’m 100% positive I’ll never gain the weight back.
So what did happen? I got lost. I went into survival mode and fell into some old emotional habits that I haven’t been privy too for a long time. Being an extrovert in a closed down world wore on me daily. My job was highly impacted and my career has forever changed due to the pandemic. I had to make quick adjustments often weekly for the new restrictions or mandates. I worked in parking lots, basketball courts, tennis courts, parks, pools, basements, almost anywhere you can imagine, often in the same day, just to pay bills. Even after things calmed down and life went back to “normal”, I struggled to get back to some of the things I truly loved. I had been out of the routine for so long, finding time again felt impossible.
But it wasn’t just about finding the time; it was about finding the emotional capacity. Writing on this blog for me is like therapy. It helps me see my errors and truths. It helps me understand my own view of things to have to put it in words. And that was something I just did not want to do. I had no emotional bandwith, because I was being sucked dry by my own bad habits. I may not have fallen off the wagon with my eating or fitness, but those other two pieces of self care and wellness that create change? Those got run over by the wagon.
The daily grief and fear of the pandemic lead me to a lot of old habits such as people pleasing, stretching myself too thin for others, poor self talk, ignoring red flags, feeling helpless and never being enough. It made me vulnerable to issues I thought I had long fixed. As I gained the weight, it made me feel inadequate at my job and like a phony. If I couldn’t even keep it together, how could I be a coach for others? As I lost my running, which is a huge source of confidence for me, I lost relationships with my coach and running friends because I was embarrassed.
When the pandemic ‘ended’ here in Denver, I wanted to just *poof* back into my old life, but it took a lot more work than I thought it would. First I focused on work and getting myself back up to a livable pre-pandemic wage and then I worked on my running. I still remember telling a loved one how afraid I was to attempt a 5K because it had been so long. This time, as I rebuilt my running, I was able to fall in love with running in a whole new way again. I was quickly back to running 30-35 miles per week. Then I focused on getting back into therapy and getting through some of the bad habits I’ve fallen into. Because I’d gotten back my old confidence and fitness level, I decided to switch jobs. I felt undervalued for my skill set and knew I’d be a better fit in a boutique gym that aligns with my personal philosophy. I now work for my running coach, whom I’d lost connection with over COVID. It was very healing to feel like my skills and confidence in what I do gave me the strength to step out and take a risk. After a little more life clean up and clearing of a toxic relationship, I am feeling like my old 2019 self again, with a few battle scars.
In the past two months I have been approached by so many people that are just coming out of their pandemic haze/depression/confusion/grief. We all have guilt and shame about letting ourselves go in one way or another these past few years. I guess the point of today’s post is to say, I’m not proud of how I got through it, but at least I did. This was an unprecedented time and holding yourself prisoner for your reaction is only limiting the time until you too can greet your 2019 self again. If you needed a sign to start making some changes, I hope my account of my mishaps helps. It’s ok to choose you, and move on now.