Working through Recovery

So this week it was back to work! Personal trainers work by the hour and don’t get sick days. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid, so it was essential that I get back to work. It was a really hard decision of when was the right time and I don’t think I did make the right decision in the end. However, I made it, just with a lot of support and tears.

Monday: Recovery Day 15

Going back to work on Monday was incredibly hard. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay home forever even though I was feeling isolated. What if I returned and didn’t meet everyone expectations? I was anxious all weekend working up to it. I didn’t expect it to be too hard phyiscally because I had felt my stamina getting better and better through the weekend. I didn’t sleep much at all the night before. I’ve been having trouble sleeping this whole process. My body is used to expending 3000-3500 cals a day including my basal metabolic rate and running a 5K at minimum. Right now I take two flights of stairs a day and sit as much as possible. My expenditure is 2000-2200 calories a day and…….I can’t sleep. I just don’t need it like I usually do. I lay in bed anyway but I don’t sleep much. I know my body is still using a lot of energy to heal so I haven’t adjusted my food too much but I can definitely tell my sleep cycle is off.

Going into work Monday morning, I cried the whole way. I was nervous, tired, sore and didn’t know how I was gonna do this. I had a four hour shift and then an evening class to teach. Everyone asked how I was doing. Everyone seemed sympathetic and wanted to help me. My colleague carried my bags from the parking lot. Everyone kept telling me to sit down and barely touched me when they hugged me. AND EVERYONE STARED.

I think I give off a certain energy at the gym on a normal day. I walk very quickly, have a bubbly smile and have been working on my posture for the last year. So when I’m walking in slightly hunched from the closest space in the parking lot and barely have the energy to smile, let a lone say hello? It felt terrible. I hated not being myself. I felt like everyone was starting at me. The people that knew looked at me with pity. The people that didn’t looked at me with confusion and judgement. It felt like being morbidly obese. I didn’t expect that at all. For a few hours, I felt like the elephant in the room that I used to be.

After crying in Gary’s office, I knew it was all in my head. Even if people were staring and judging, should I even care? I had spent two weeks controlling my environment and choosing who could see me and when. Being thrown back in the workplace was difficult and uncomfortable. I wanted to leave and hide from the moment I got there. BUT I didn’t. I got through my lifting and boxing classes, mostly from a seated position. As soon as I could I went home and rested. Then completed my class in the evening, also shouting from a chair in the corner.

Tuesday: Recovery Day 16

Tuesday felt a little easier and a little harder. I was at work for 8 hours that day while I only completed 4 hours of work. (Trainer life, am I right?) During the hours between clients I showered and took naps on the floor in the trainers office. While I still felt a lot like I did on Monday, I was a little more relaxed and focused on what I needed. I was in a lot of pain on Monday and was needing my pills before it was time for the first time in a week. Tuesday I woke up sore and was more careful about taking the elevator and resting in a laying down position. Gravity matters people.

On Tuesdays I have private clients and Tribe class. Luckily I have a partner to help me teach class because I can’t demonstrate ANYTHING. Thanks to Shaun I was able to emotionally and physically keep it together and fake it through that hour. I immediately went home after the 8 hours and slept. I felt like I had done some reverse to my healing over those first two days. I had more pain than I’d had in a week and it left me questioning if I’d returned to work too soon. I knew my schedule was lighter the following two days so I decided to power through not knowing if it was smart and thinking most likely it was not.

Wednesday: Recovery Day 17

On Wednesday I took a big turn for the better. I got to sleep a little later that day. My drain started to decrease FINALLY. My usual day starts at 6am and I didn’t have boxing until 9 am. The chill time in the morning was exactly what I needed. I held boxing class and a session with a private running client. I focused on always taking the elevator and not using the stairs. I sat down as much as possible and tried to focus on being myself emotionally, hoping it would help me physically.

I had to return to the gym at 2pm for a photo shoot. The photos would be used for some promotional materials coming out in the New Year and specially for Tribe Team Training where I’m a coach. I could do nothing. I couldn’t hold a kettle bell. I shouldn’t be stretching my arms over head. I can’t even plank. So my photos were pretty limited. Instead of letting it get to me that I ‘couldn’t do anything’ I tried to insert myself every time I could do something. When I wasn’t needed I sat down and focused on being relaxed. I actually made it thought without getting depressed or down on my self. I completed two more sessions and went home for the night. Wednesday was the first day I DIDN’T cry, even in Gary’s office.

Thursday: Recovery Day 18

(When I write what day it is, I’m shocked how little time has actually passed!) Thursday got even better. Same sort of routine: 6 am class, a few private clients, a few naps. The more I focus on NOT doing my normal things physically, the more I feel like myself emotionally. My self image, my emotions, and my physical state are all starting to align and it feels incredible. Weird but incredible.

That afternoon I saw my surgeon. Dr. Gerow gave me and A plus on healing and gave his blessing to peel off the glue that’s been holding me together. He also gave me an appointment to have my drain removed TODAY! (Friday) So it feels like I’ve reached another finish line. While I’m not healed or recovered yet, I’m getting a lot closer and I can let my body do the work now.

Friday: Recovery Day 19

Kim’s Normal Friday Schedule:

So instead? I’m laying on my couch writing you this blog and it feels awesome. 🙂 Not only did I need a 4 day work week this week but I feel like I earned it. While each day got easier, the beginning of the week was rough and definitely showed in my body and mind. If you’re considering this surgery and can take 3 weeks off, DO IT. If I could have had even two more days it would have made a difference but hindsight is 20/20.

I was trying to make some before/after photos today and instead of using what I had, I took new ones. I put on the same bra and unders I took my before photos in and HOLY CRAP. I love the old photos more and more. They really do show how my body was stuck in that skin. My new body looks exactly how I dreamed it would. My brain is constantly catching up. Turns out there was a six pack under there and I’m still reattaching to my muscle wall. I can’t flex my abs yet but I can now sneeze and laugh without much pain. And my emotions? I’m on a high!