Some mornings I wake up and it’s already choking me. I can feel it sitting at the top of my throat like the aftertaste from the day before. It whispers, “Today will be impossible” before my feet hit the ground. I don’t feel it crawl into bed at night, but it’s laying on my chest when I wake up.
Sometimes anxiety starlets me out of nowhere; Like the gunshot to start the race has suddenly gone off, before you saw the trigger pulled, in a race you didn’t mean to be in. Out of nowhere you’re scared, confused and have to run. Sometimes these tip over into full blown attacks for me. (Read about the joy of that HERE) Other times I just have to be alone for an hour. Other times tears stream down my face for no reason at all for an hour.
Other times I can feel my anxiety building over days. At first I can be reasonable and tolerate it. I go for a quick run, journal a bit, have a cup of coffee and deal with it. Then the next day it gets harder, and then a little harder. Then I’ll have a day where no matter what I do, I just can’t. There’s absolutely nothing I can do to resolve the discomfort I feel. Have you ever been so sun burned that it hurt to wear clothes? Sometimes hours after you can still feel the heat of your skin. None of your favorite things can soothe you and everything hurts. My anxiety feels like that, but on the inside. It buzzes and radiates just under my skin. It makes me so uncomfortable I can’t stand being myself. And even though I try, nothing makes me feel much better.
These are the days I say, “I’m not ok.” There are a few people in my life that totally understand what this means from me. Amy is one of those people. Maybe it’s because she works in mental health, maybe it’s because she’s married to a cute EMT, maybe it’s because she just has the biggest heart I’ve ever seen but she gets it better than anyone. If I tell Amy “I’m not ok”, it’s like going through a triage list. I immediately have her full attention. First she asks what I’ve tried, how I’m feeling, what happened, what can she do….. but most of all, she listens and then says she’s sorry.
People with anxiety don’t need to hear positive affirmations. I don’t like to be told “the things I haven’t tried”. I don’t want you to belittle my feelings but affirm that they have meaning. As ridiculous as my anxiety can be, I never want to be told I’m ridiculous. Don’t tell me to shrug it off or just look on the brighter side. Tell me I’ll be ok and that it’s just gonna be crappy for a little while longer.
Amy doesn’t try to fix me. She doesn’t judge me or expect me to be something I’m not. She meets me where I am. She reminds me that I’ve made it before. She reminds me what’s worked before which helps me see, I’ve survived this before. She helps me ride the waves of my anxiety instead of telling me the wave isn’t there. She stands with me in the storm and offers any kind of umbrella she has. She’s a ride or die kind of friend. I’ll always be grateful to have her in my life.
If you’re dealing with anxiety yourself, make sure you’re clear with your needs with those around you. I try to warn loved ones as best I can that I’m having a hard time, before it’s too hard. If you’re dealing with loved ones that have anxiety, just listen. Just meet them where they are at. Just say you’re sorry. It’s ok not to understand anxiety or know what it looks or feels like. Just do your best to listen. And when someone says they’re not ok, take it seriously.