I have cried nearly everyday of this quarantine. I am not adjusting well. I have texted a lot of people needing contact. I struggle with silence and being alone. I go stir crazy after just a few hours. I don’t know how to live day to day. I’m not cut out for quarantine. And that’s ok.
I’m starting to learn to fill my days. I’m passing the time doing things I love like running, filming workouts, journaling, reading and watching movies I’ve never seen. But in the back of my mind I’m worrying. I’m not sure if I’ll have a job in two weeks. I’m not sure what life will look like in two weeks, next week or even tomorrow sometimes. The daily structure of our lives in constantly changing.
And all of it, is triggering my anxiety. The mass hysteria, the hoarding, the constant news deaths and stream of fears is too much for me. It bubbles up quickly and suddenly I’m crying in Safeway because I truly can’t stand to drive to another store for toilet paper. But I don’t have a choice. Even though we can’t touch each other and remain 6 feet apart, I can feel everyone’s worry and panic like it’s my own.
On a usual day when my demons are this loud I have a few tricks. Most of them involve people, outdoors or events. We can’t do any of that now. Nothing cures my anxiety and helps reset me like a loud dance floor and a sea of people. My favorite place to take my demons for a walk is my coffee shop. There I can observe people from my own world. I can hear conversations and Elvis playing over the speaker. It feeds me. It resets me. Not being able to do my normal tricks, is starting to give voice to demons that had been silenced.
My good friends understand how much I need contact. On day two of quarantine, I contacted 3-4 friends and warned them how needy I was about to be. I said I’d need to hear from them everyday and needed them present in my life. Without hesitation, each one of them stepped up. I know what I need from my friend and loved ones, but I’m just starting to learn to ask for it. I just learned that it’s ok to even ask.
I’m not worried I’ll gain weight during quarantine. I’m not worried that I’ll lose my shameless attitude. I am worried my anxiety will continue to increase if I don’t find more ways to calm the uncertainty of the future.
Check in on your extroverted friends. Check in on your friends with anxiety issues. We’re not ok. We don’t know how to do this. I’m scared about the coming weeks and hope my coping skills can keep up but I expect the tears to keep on coming. I know that I am strong and capable of handling what comes. I’ve show my ability to adapt and overcome is higher than most. And when I forget next week, I’ll have this post I’ve written to all of you to remind me.
