Sometimes I sit down to write at this computer and I feel nothing. I’m not sure what to say. I’m not sure what it is that I want to say. I’m a feeler and I’m a fighter. What I feel I feel deeply and it’s hard for me to do almost anything halfway. Because of this, I tend to feel all or nothing.
Digging into the reasons of why I was obese to begin with, curing my anxiety and establishing new boundaries has been quite painful. It would be easier to just not. It would be easier to just be a dry drunk; to take my drugs away but not solve the problem. I could ignore it. I could pretend. Digging for weeks and weeks has left me exhausted. Somedays my hard drive needs to defrag.
On days like these, I hide at the local coffee shop. I’m an extrovert and I recharge around others. When I’m not at work, I find it hard to be alone lately. I have to stop myself from texting people and seeking attention all day. Thankfully almost everyone I know works normal hours when I’m at my most annoying. Being at the coffee shop helps me feel socialized without sucking everyone into my drama. I’m a private person and I keep a very small inner circle. (If you’ve made the cut, consider yourself lucky 🙂 ) What I share here might seem super personal, but it’s only a small part of my life.
People that have been through a lot of shit, we like to figure it out ourselves. Our track record fo getting ourselves through days so far is 100%. So I take myself to the coffee shop, hide in the corner and slowly begin to figure it all out.
The past three months for me have been a lot. A LOT. There’s parts I’ve shared here and parts I haven’t. I guess the point I’m trying to make is, while my journey is over to the person I wanted to be, I never envisioned the person I’m becoming. When you start to ask yourself the right questions, you start to get your answers. Pieces fall into place and I think I’m starting to become whole.