Yesterday I had all my pre op appointments and final check marks for my upcoming skin surgery. Honestly, I’m super freaking nervous. I’ve been telling more and more people about my upcoming procedure and getting the same response over and over: You Deserve It!
First off, I am super excited about what my body is going to feel like in 3 months when I’m totally healed. I know that the surgery is necessary. I know it’s going to improve my quality of life as I age. The timing is perfect and the whole thing just makes sense. But feeling like I deserve it? That’s something totally different. No sympathy comments. This site will never be about that. It’s about being real and not always understanding what the hell is going on. Do I feel like I DESERVE it?
Want it? Check!
Need it? Check!
Ready for it? Check!
Deserve it? Eh……kinda check?
Feeling like I deserve the surgery has been the hardest part. Since the surgery is a ‘choice’ there has been a lot of guilt that has surfaced lately. I feel guilty about the money it’s going to cost, the pressure it’s putting on my husband and for having to miss work. I feel guilty that I’ll just be sitting around for a few weeks. But the guilt of weight loss runs even deeper.
For a long time I knew I wasn’t ready for the surgery because of the guilt I felt. There’s the present guilt: I still focus on myself so much, I make my husband eat like I do, I’m constantly changing and asking all my friends to accept me over and over. Then there’s the olllllllld guilt that makes me believe I don’t deserve…..well…..anything.
When I was morbidly obese, my self worth was very very low. I had some confidence and an outgoing personality but on the inside, I never felt like I belonged. I always wanted to be accepted and liked. Being liked made me feel worthy. Being laughed at put money in my bank, but since I didn’t make my own worth investments, I’d always drain the account. Being so overweight made me feel guilty and then worthless and then guilty and then worthless and then….and then……
Eventually I cracked the cycle and the code ( after 6 long years), but that’s not what this post is about. This post is about that guilt being present again. It sounds crazy I know. I’m sitting here in size 4 Lululemon pants feeling guilty for being overweight 6 years ago. I wasted so much time that I’ll never get back. I missed out on so many things. I didn’t know how to love correctly or be a good friend. I got overwhelmed and stressed out all the time. I let opportunities fall through my fingers, all because my worth was so low and reflected in my weight.
BUT
In two weeks, I get to completely erase her. I can pretend she never existed if I want to. Before I do though, I’m trying to finally after all this time, forgive her and tell her 100% she deserves this.