I am in my final days of recovery. I honestly can’t believe it. Some days I can’t believe any of it. Somedays, I still dream (nightmare?) that I’m in my old body, my old life. Now that I’m in this life and this body, there’s no way I’d ever go back. I don’t worry that I’ll gain the weight back. I don’t worry that our lives will slowly go back to the way they were before. But I do worry that this has all been a dream.
Have you ever gotten exactly what you wanted? Have you ever thought you’d just go for it and made it? Have you ever dreamed of a different life and then woke up in it? I know I worked everyday for this. I made hard choices over and over again to get here. I was there for every skipped hamburger bun and every mile run. I was there when I left plus size clothes forever. I was there when I switched careers and started a whole different path. I was there as my husband kept learning to relove me over and over. I made all those choices. I did this. And yet…..it’s all a dream.
I’ve spent 30-34 years of my life (depending on what issue we are talking about…..) wanting to be different. I wished I could figure out how to love myself, to love other people. I thought if I could fix myself, love would be easier. I used to always feel unloved and empty. I don’t remember many emotions for a lot of years. I felt some happiness, some sadness but small bouts of each. There had to be more. This couldn’t be the life that people talk about. Is this what it’s like for everyone? It can’t be. Am I the only one asleep while everyone else is awake?
Being overweight was only one of the things I didn’t like about myself. It’s the easiest to identify and find commonality in. Eating disorders (of which I’ve had all types) are highly accessible and visible. They’re also changeable. However, there are large parts of who I am that aren’t changeable, parts that I was taught are wrong. How do you learn to love yourself when you were taught to hate yourself? I guess the answer is develop an eating disorder and figure it out 20 years later? Wow. That hurt.
When it comes down to it, this is a love story. Not a weight loss story. This is my journey to self love and how it’s brought me the best days of my life. The more I love myself, the more I love my life. People have been coming into my life lately that really feed my soul. Sometimes you just meet people and know they serve a purpose to your life. Your soul sisters and brothers. I’m slowly piecing my life into what I want now and what it should have been all along. People say to me all the time now “I’m not sure what it is about you…”
I know what it is.
I’ve let go of my shame. Someone recently said to me “You know guilt and shame are two different emotions right?” That took me a few days to process. I’ve felt so much shame in my life. Shame that I couldn’t be a better daughter. Shame that I was overweight. Shame that I wasn’t a good wife or lover. Shame that I didn’t follow the path laid out by my parent’s expectations. Shame about not wanting to be a mother. The list is pretty long and probably could have gone on forever. Some of these were fixable and some weren’t. I can’t keep feeling shame for things I can’t change. So I’ve decided to just let it go.
Since letting go, I’m weightless. People notice. People are drawn to my confidence and comfort. People talk to me everywhere I go and I make new friends all the time. A few years ago I struggled to keep just a few friends. Life is easier. Love is easier. Everyone says I look different. It isn’t the surgery that changed my smile, it’s the love.
I feel an entire spectrum of emotions now instead of being confined to just a few. I feel very little of my anxiety motor running. Maybe anxiety is shame called by a different name? That’s a post for another day……. I know this is a weight loss blog but the weight didn’t really change me. The surgery didn’t really change me. Love did.