Today marks 12 weeks since I entered the outpatient surgical unit to have 3 pounds of skin removed. I can’t believe I ever got to this place and in this body. While I’m so excited to be done with my recovery, I’ve realized it made me done with a whole lot of things.
I purposely lured you to the page with this results photo. I hope I trick you into reading the real message!
Women in general are taught to feel shame. We aren’t supposed to ask for what we want, let alone be too determined to go after it. We’re often told we are silly and unimportant. We aren’t supposed to like sex but are supposed to be sexual. We aren’t supposed to be confident about our bodies because then we are a slut or a cocky bitch. We’re supposed to want desperately to be a mother and not question a different path. Well….I’m done with all that too.
Six years ago, when I weighed 300 lbs I felt shame everyday about the life I really wanted. I didn’t really know how to get it and wasn’t supposed to have it. I felt the shame every single day from whenever age you understand it (4? 5?) until now. I still feel myself batting away the feeling when it comes into my peripheral vision. I didn’t set goals because I was often told I wouldn’t accomplish them. I hated my body and never really wanted anyone to see it. I never felt sexy in clothes or out of them really. I went back and forth on ever wanting kids my whole life. I knew I’d be a great mom, but did I want to be? Were those the same thing? Just a few examples…..
Over my journey of weight loss, I slowly shed my shame and found myself. I learned to set goals and meet them no matter what. That meant putting myself first above all else. It taught me to respect my time and how I prioritize what’s important to me. I learned to love my body because of what it could do for me and where it could take me. Slowly my body brought me pride because I’d accomplished goals of all kinds. Once I had met goals, I realized being a mother wasn’t one of them. These smaller steps towards no shame made it easier to take the bigger steps.
I’ve suffered some real traumas in my life. I’ve tried to forget and ignore it. Even 2 years ago I would have never admitted the trauma had anything to do with my weight problem. It definitely hadn’t changed me or shaped who I’d become. But actually it had everything to do with who I’d become. It was the reason I had felt shame my whole life; the reason I felt asleep in an awake world; the reason my anxiety screamed even in the silence; the reason I’d given up really caring if I’d lived. And now I’m done.
Now I love my body. I worked for everything you see and everything you don’t. I feel zero shame about my body or my life because it’s the life I built. I got the body I wanted. I got the surgery I wanted. I have the job I wanted. All of this resulted in a life I absolutely love living. And through it all, I get the man I’ve always wanted.
I didn’t know when I stepped on the scale and lost my first pound that I was healing from trauma. I didn’t know when I bought my first pair for size 12 pants either. I didn’t feel ashamed crossing the finish line of my first race. I didn’t know I was feeling shame when I hit my goal weight. I thought I was done changing six months ago. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know it’s easy to tell when you’re 300 pounds that somethings not right. Getting to the real reason of why things aren’t right is a lot. One day I decided I was done. Another day I decided I was done being over weight. And another I decided I was done pushing people away. Then later I decided I was done pretending to love people when I could do it so much better. Just recently I decided I was done being ashamed of who I am. It’s ok to look at your life and decide you’re done. It’s time to do something about it.