Image – Page 4 – Yoga Pants Diary

December 23, 2014

The Ghost of Christmas Past

For the last 6 years, the hubby and I always try to take a holiday photo. We have them arranged by year in matching frames on our bookcase. This year I couldn’t wait to get our photo and put it in line next to the others. Here’s the last three years:

2012

2013

2014

Obviously, there are huge differences in my weight. I’m just guessing here but I think,

2012: 290 pounds.

2013: 215 pounds.

2014: 160 pounds.

But there are other differences too. In all the photos from 2012 and before, they never show my body. The photos are always ‘selfie style’ before it was cool. One year I’m not even in the photo and it’s just Dan and the dog.

I could not wait to take this year’s photo. Ever since we moved to Colorado we’ve been sending a photo inside our card just to check in with non-Facebook family. When I look back at these three photos especially, I have mixed feelings.

I still believe I’m beautiful in all three of these photos. I remember feeling beautiful, sexy and confident in all of them. They all have wonderful memories attached and I still feel that joy in my heart when I see them. But as I stood and watched the progression after framing this year’s photo, I felt very sad too. I feel like I don’t even recognize that person anymore. Does that mean she’s gone?

I hope I have kept all the parts of that person that I loved and just changed what I didn’t. There’s so much I hated about that body but loved about the person inside. So in some ways I LOVE our holiday photo this year. I think I look hot, sexy and fit! But I hope you can still see my spirit underneath. Merry Christmas everyone!

December 15, 2014March 29, 2015

High Heel Hell

Last night, I went to my husband’s company party at the Denver Art Museum. We were using it as an excuse to get out of the house, dress up nice and play in the museum for free! Since I had bought a super cute new cocktail dress, I figured I needed new shoes to go with it!

I have dropped a shoe size during my journey leaving me with not many shoe options. I hadn’t purchased any new heels and finally found an excuse to buy some. As a morbidly obese person, I owned heels but rarely wore them. If I did, it would have to be in nice weather to somewhere I knew I would be sitting. It seemed to defy the laws of physics that my nearly 300 pound body would even stay upright on heels.

Heels always caused all kinds of problems. They would always be severely uncomfortable and would often break before they had gotten all of their wear. I mean let’s be serious, is any 300 pound woman truly comfortable in heels? Most average weight women aren’t! So as a general rule in life, I tend to avoid heels. I can’t wear them to teach and we don’t go many places that would require them. I honestly didn’t even think about not having any heels until two days before the event.

Needless to say I went out and bought heels. ($19.99, thanks payless!) I wanted to look hot at this party. I wanted every man to be jealous of my man for having me on his arm. I wore the heels.

You would not believe how big of a difference losing 130 pounds makes when wearing heels. I feel like they fit and felt the way they were supposed to for the first time. Since it has been so long since I’ve wore any, I still sound like a Clydesdale in them, but I’m much much more comfortable. I wore them for the two block walk from the car, all through the museum and then back to the car with an extra block detour. Granted, they still hurt.

November 22, 2014

Half a Woman

**Before I start my Saturday post, I wanted to post that I’ll be giving “Thinner Thanksgiving” tips all week! So check back to see how to not gain any lbs during your thanksgiving holiday!

As we are coming up to the holidays, I can’t help but think back to how I felt and looked last winter. I think I had dropped around 75 pounds or so at this point last year. My body image is still catching up! I felt like I was a little smaller than last winter but not a ton. Then I got out my winter coat, an XL, which doesn’t fit AT ALL. I borrowed a size L coat from my friend, Thanks Kelley!, and need to purchase a medium!

Some of my students have been asking me about my weight loss now that most of them know. They always ask how much weight I’ve lost. I’m now at 130 pounds and trying to stay there. Usually this is more than they weigh and they are shocked. I really have lost a whole person. I’ve now lost 46% of my original body weight. I’m quite nearly half the woman I was before.

As you get smaller, the ratio of you to your pants stays the same. So sometimes I go to put on my pants and think, “These really aren’t that much smaller than my old old fat pants.” But……I think they are considering I can fit in one leg of them now!

I am a huge fan of People’s “Half Their Size Issue” (See the 2014 winners here) and it just occured to me that I could have entered! I could have been featured in People. I am one of those people! It’s still so bizarre to have done what I did…..I wonder when it will stop being weird? Stay tuned……..

November 11, 2014November 12, 2014

Skinny Bitches

****WARNING: I will be using the B-word in this post. Sorry. I will use it as little as possible for those of you concerned.

I guess it’s time to bring up one of the most thought about issues by fat girls everywhere: Skinny Bitches. Now that I’ve dropped the weight and gotten fit, I am often the said B-yotch in the situation. Not always. There is usually someone in the room that is thinner or obviously much better looking. I live in Colorado now where we grow our men mountain-strong and women glow from 300 days of sunlight. However, in the right room with the right people, I am that girl.

Now that I write this blog and have made fitness and health such a huge part of my life, I often talk about it with people. By people I mean…….(well I am my Mother’s child and I live in Colorado where people actually talk to each other) people I meet at the store, at the gym, at school, at restaurants and so on. Pretty much anywhere you can imagine. So I have met all kinds of people that are losing weight, need to lose weight, don’t need to lose weight, are worried about their weight, aren’t worried about it, SHOULD be worried about it…….it’s endless. But one consistent thing I still CAN’T believe is how often a “skinny bitch” is just as worried about their weight as I am. I have met ALL kinds of women and let me tell you, I can’t believe how many of these women work a lot harder than you would ever think that they do. Women that don’t worry about their weight are rare! We all think that no one thinks about it as much as we do. We think we are the only one to ever think “I’m the ugliest person in the world.” But the truth is, it’s the people that never have that are rare. It’s this weirdness that actually makes us normal.

So yes, Skinny Bitches do exist. I have met a few in the wild but they are extremely rare. These women just have naturally good eating habits and have never really had a weight problem and haven’t had to think about it. However, the ‘normal’ woman, from what I’ve met, think about weight all the time. They do think about having a salad now so they can have a steak later. You see them having drinks because they ran 3 miles before work. You might see me every otherish Friday with my friend Kelley sharing a plate of green chili and cheese tater tots at a local neighborhood tavern because I go to the gym five times a week. (I’m just saying it might happen) Just because you don’t know about it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

Another Truth is when you are as obese as I was, you wear your weight problem on the outside. Everyone can see you have a weight problem. However, a lot of ‘skinny bitches’ have weight problems too. They have recovering problems. Or reoccurring problems, Or making sure it doesn’t become a problem. It’s the same for almost everyone. Even though I’ve reached my goal weight I don’t think I have conquered my weight problem. I joked with my doctor: “I did it. I reached my goal weight. I’m done now.” and she said “Well I guess you can go then!” BUT another truth is I’ll never stop having a weight problem. Maybe after 10 years? 15? Who knows……..

November 2, 2014

Hot on Halloween

This year I wanted to do Halloween up right! As an adult, every Halloween I see women who use Halloween as an excuse to dress up sexy! I, unfortunately, have never been one of these women. I always have to pass by the Pretty Kitty, Slutty Snow White and Sinderella outfits because I know they won’t be in my size. If they do have 2X or 3X I’d never be comfortable wearing it in public. And then I’d be one of those girls. Now let’s be serious. I’m not one of THOSE women who use Halloween as an excuse to practically be naked in public. *ahem…..you yeah Princess Leah in the Gold Bikini I’m talking to you! BTW she didn’t even have the traditional hair. Just saying. I love you Mean Girls, but I’m pretty sure I did just say something about it. Sorry!

I just wanted to feel cute and buy a regular costume in a regular size and go out with my husband. We went to basically my favorite place, Howl at the Moon. I go there with my girlfriends but never with him and I was super excited! It’s a dueling piano bar in Downtown Denver where there are live musicians all night. The best part of it is that you can be part of the audience, because it’s basically a concert every night where you can request them to play ANY song ever. OR you can be part of the show and out on the dance floor. There are like zones of participation. So I knew either way he’d be comfortable.

We ended up at the just the right store, which shall remain nameless, which had just the right sale ON Halloween. They had regular size costumes that were flirty but still suitable for public. I bought three. I decided to wear the most modest one of course because I’m just not confident about everything I got going on yet. More on that later………

So I decided to go with a sweater dress ensemble as a Sock Monkey that I found at said store. If the photographer had told me, I would have pulled it down further but……hindsight and all that.

For once I got a super cute costume that was a Medium (!?) at a regular store for a killer price and wore it out with with my husband wear we danced the night away and had an awesome time. Best. Halloween. Ever!

PS – For those wondering, I did get Sexy Snowhite but I won’t be posting a picture of it ANY time soon or wearing it in public. My confidence is high but I’m still a married woman! Oh and BTW: It was $5.

October 27, 2014

Comparing

I constantly compare myself to other people. Even when I was at my heaviest, I would look for other girls that I thought were my size or larger just to see what I looked like. I continue to do this now. I think all women are constantly looking at others and ‘sizing’ themselves up.

We hear the phrase “You are your only competition” all the time, but how many people really do this? I would say in almost every area of my life, this is true for me. I compete with only myself in my career. I hold myself to a set of expectations and meet them. I push myself and don’t really care what others think about it as long as I’m happy with it. I also do this in my marriage. I don’t have a cookie cutter relationship with roles and regulations like some might expect to see. We break rules all the time. Again, our relationship works for us and I could care less what people think. BUT I do struggle with this when it comes to my image.

I could have written this whole post like, I don’t care what people think when they look at me and I’m my only competition. But that’s not really how I feel. I still compare myself to other women all the time. I still wonder what I look like to other women and men. But I do think the lens that I look through is different now. When I used to see a thin girl, I would get jealous mad. I was mostly mad at myself and the choices I had made. Now when I see one, I know what work they have put in. There are women out there that never think about food or fitness but this is RARE. I know the difference in the physique of someone who works out and who doesn’t. Now, sometimes I’m still jealous when I see them but I’m jealous because it’s something I want to do too!

I would even say that 15% of women have been dropped off my radar. These 15% are too thin, unhealthy and unattractive. I don’t want to be a size 2 because I don’t think it’s attractive and the hubby agrees. Then there’s the 20% that I think I’m in now: thin, active, muscular. Of course there are then heavy, overweight, obese and morbidly obese women still too. When I see these women, I’m comparing them to my old self and wishing I could do something to help them. I wish I had a t-shirt that said “ASK ME HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT, BECAUSE YOU NEED TO!” and that I wouldn’t have things thrown at me for wearing it.

So basically……….I’m saying it’s ok to judge but these women aren’t your competition. The real competition is the battle you are fighting inside but look at other bodies. Which one looks like yours? Which one do you want to look like? Which ones don’t you want to look like? Pick one and go for it!

October 5, 2014March 29, 2015

Meeting Your Goal

On Septmeber 11th I hit my goal weight. I haven’t posted about it because I’m still weeding through the feelings of what that even means.

I knew it was coming. My weight was really really close to finally seeing 165, healthy weight. When I stepped on the scale that morning, I didn’t know how I would feel. When I saw the magic number, 165, I felt…..nothing. I was hoping to feel relief, like, FINALLY it’s over! But if felt like weighing in every other day. I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t a celebration dance party or huge sense of relief.

At first it scared me. If I’m not celebrating reaching my goal after such a long journey, have I not learned anything? We did not go out for a special meal. I didn’t even buy myself a present or really celebrate in any sort of way. It felt weird! I thought for sure I’d want to go out for a Big Mac or banana split.

After a few days, I was proud of myself. After reaching my goal weight, I didn’t fall off the wagon. I didn’t want to eat a Big Mac or go out for ice cream. This new lifestyle that I’m following is real. It’s now been three weeks and I’m maintaining or dipping below goal weight. I guess I really have changed and it feels good!

I do not think it’s bad or wrong to celebrate reaching goals. However, I would recommend not rewarding yourself with unhealthy food. It’s very confusing for your brain. Celebrate with a day at the park, a hike, a gift or a manicure.

September 7, 2014August 27, 2015

It wasn’t worth dying for.

I have posted a lot of different reasons for changing the way I eat, exercise and basically saved my life. So here’s a list all in one convenient place. I encourage everyone to make their own lists and write it out with a writing instrument that makes you feel like a kid. Just because it will make you smile! Trust me on that.

10. Seats – I was embarrassed when I couldn’t fit in seats. Now, I would say that I did fit in the average seat 80% of the time. Movie seats, most restaurant seats, and chairs found in the average home were fine. However I could not fit in roller coasters, barely air plane seats, bus seats were uncomfortable, and booths were usually awkward. It was embarrassing to ask my husband to pull the table toward him. I was sick of it. It made me feel huge to not fit where I was supposed to fit. Was I really that big? Uh…….yes apparently. Duh.

9. Food – When living in such an incredible place like Denver (whoop!!) you get exposed to a whole new palate of food compared to living in the Midwest. I kept finding that I was unsure or didn’t like most of the awesome ‘local trends’ because my palate was akin to grease, ranch dressing, and milk shakes. (In case you haven’t noticed I will be observing the Oxford comma in this post. Why did it have to die? Back to the point.) So basically I was missing out on entire pages of menus and new fad restaurants because they didn’t serve food like you’d find in the MW. And how do the states rank on the Healthiest in the US scale? Colorado is 8th healthiest. Illinois is 30th. So yeah. Again I have to go with Duh.

8. Run – I live in a big(ger) city now and in this big(ger) city weird people are everywhere and weird stuff happens. Dan and I got into an altercation one night when a guy was trying to get into our building. I had been going to the gym for some time and I was able to defend myself easily. Before I don’t think I could have done anything. So I wanted to be able to run if anything ever happened that was seriously bad. You just never know. Paranoid? Probably but Denver has some seriously weird people. It’s the best place ever!

7. Clothes – When you are plus sized, you can only shop at so many stores. All of these stores seem to carry the exact same items, in the same fabrics, and often times even in the same colors. I wanted to wear things I saw other girls wearing. I couldn’t even find boots that would fit my midwestern-corn-fed-morbidly-obese-calves. Regular was too small and extended calf was too big. I wanted to wear things I saw on pinterest and even make my own clothes because I’m a super huge dork. Do you have any idea how much money you save when buying fabric for a body that’s 45% smaller? You guessed it, 45%. Ha!

6. I didn’t care – The long here-s-a-little-hint-i-don-t-care er I’m an adult the longer I realize that high school never ends. And in this said high school that we are all calling life, I decided I was done caring what people thought. I know this sounds backwards. Why would I lose weight if I stopped caring? Well, I was mostly terrified about losing weight because I knew my skin was already screwed. I gained my weight in batches that hung in weird places on my body. As I lost the weight, I knew those places would deflate and hang. More on how I feel about my skin another day…..back to the point. I decided I didn’t care how I looked when I lost weight. When you feel like you can accept what you’re going to look like after you lose the weight and you don’t look like a Victoria Secret model, it makes it easier. This is something you have to learn to do several times throughout your journey.

5. Health – I know what you’re thinking. 5???? Number 5 is health???? Shouldn’t it be higher or maybe even number 1? The fact is that I am fortunate enough to have so many other things in my life that are worth more than my own health. My number one goal was always to get healthy, not nesccessarily skinny. There are lists and lists of diseases and health risks associated with obesity. You can see them HERE if you are unaware, but in this day and age I don’t know a single overweight person that doesn’t know MORE about being heathy than a skinny person. I knew the risks and decided they weren’t worth it. I had been fairly lucky so far and I didn’t want to Press My Luck! (No whammies, No whammies!)

4. Time – The older I get, coming up to the big 3-0 this year, the faster time seems to go. Months fly by like I remember weeks or days going as a child. Holidays are less exciting but, being a teacher, I still live for summer breaks. Each day I get to spend about 2 hours with my husband before the bed calls our name. When I look at my life, I just want more time. I could no longer live with the fact that I would most likely die early for such a dumb reason as obesity. By controlling my obesity, I am able to get more time on this Earth to spend with those that I love.

3. Baby Maybe – The hubby and I are hoping to have children soon. We have always planned on having children in our lives. When I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome my dream of having children was all but out the window. One of the most successful cures of PCOS is to lose weight. If I couldn’t give my child a healthy environment for the first 9 months, what could I hope to give them after that? I want my child to crave healthy foods and not ask for a Happy Meal for dinner each night. In order to do that, I had to make sure I was showing them the model of a healthy lifestyle.

2. Dan – Of course Dan ranks high on the list. As I said above, I want as much time with Dan as I can get. He is my best friend and my absolute partner in life. How could I continue to make these choices when they would inevitably cost me my life with him. I wanted him to have a wife he was proud to carry on his arm. I 100% know that Dan loved me at every weight. He always wanted me to be healthier for myself but never pushed me to lose the weight. I gave him a list of things I needed him to do for our marriage. He accomplished everything on that list to ensure our future family together. In turn I promised I would get healthy. It took me a few years but I kept true on my promise. I’m now proud to be his wife and feel like we are a much more equal partnership.

1. It wasn’t worth dying for – In the end, this is my number one reason. Eating Big Macs and brownies is NOT WORTH IT. In the moment of consuming a Big Mac, it seems like not such a big deal. And of course, one high fat and sodium meal once in a while is fine. However, I was consuming meals like this on a consistent basis. In the end, 10 minutes of pleasure for that meal is not worth dying for. NONE of the reasons on this list were worth dying for. When I die, I want my headstone to say something like the picture above, not “She really loved french fries.” Really take a look at yourself and how you are treating the only body that you will ever get. Most people don’t consider that their diet could kill them. In this day and age we blame cigarettes, drugs, cancer and heart disease. However, being a healthy weight eliminates or drastically decreases your chances of TONS of different diseases. IT’S NOT WORTH IT.

August 31, 2014

Am I Still Fat?

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and forget that I’ve lost weight. I remember quickly, but for just a split moment, I forget. Sometimes I go to put on my jeans and I think, NO WAY are these going to fit me. Other times I put on my jeans and think, these aren’t any smaller than what I used to wear. Sometimes I eat a candy bar or cookies and feel guilty, even when I’ve earned it with gym time. Sometimes I think the fat girl will never go away.

Do I really want her to disappear? There are somethings I believe being overweight have taught me that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise. I feel like I’m less judgmental because of where I’ve come from. I’m more understanding of people fighting that battle. It’s also taught me that changing who you are takes WORK and there are no short cuts.

I’ll always be a member of the fat girl club at heart. Unless you’ve experienced the discrimination and stereotypes of being obese, you’d never understand. The world is a much different place for obese people. I know that obese people have just as much to offer the world as healthy weight people but most people don’t know that.

I’m as proud of the obese me as I am of the thin me. I’ve experience love and success at both weights. I’ll never forget her or let her go. I’ll continue to carry her with me wherever I go.

August 24, 2014March 29, 2015

Success Feels Good!

This last week was very stressful for me. I’ve started at a new school with new people. It is always hard to figure out who you can trust, who to keep an eye on and where the faculty bathroom is. Due to this stress, I was not expecting to lose any weight this week. My body sometimes responds to stress by holding on to weight. Other times it will drop weight like crazy. So I went in to this week not expecting to lose my usual half to full pound.

For most of the week this happened. I couldn’t figure out if I wasn’t eating enough or at the right times. So I just kept doing what I’d usually done and knew my body would eventually get it together. I was especially bummed after going to an extra grueling workout at the gym and waking up to the same weight the next morning. I even went up for a day or two. This is when I have to remember my little successes:

What had I done, health wise, already this week to be proud of, even if it didn’t result in weight loss?

1. At Green Day with my fellow arts teachers, we were given catered box lunches. It had a huge cookie inside that was 370 calories. I could have eaten it. I had worked out that day. Instead I brought it home to my hubby. I felt even better about this decision after he told me it wasn’t even that great.

2. I had the opportunity to eat grilled cheeseburgers at Back to School night. Since I’m not much of a burger girl to begin with, this one wasn’t too hard. Instead I had a meal I’d already planned for: lunch meat, cheese, baked chips and applesauce. Then because of this decision it lead to a conversation at my table where I could share a little bit of my story with my new coworkers.

3. I decided I didn’t care if I didn’t lose weight this week. It’s enough just to get back in the swing of things.

Each one of these things made me proud this week! I could have used my first week back at work as an excuse to eat horribly and blame the stress if I saw a weight gain. But I stayed true! The result was seeing the lowest weight on the scale I’ve seen to date at my weigh in on Saturday. I think the comfort of knowing I could fail or not lose this week helped take the pressure off!

I can’t explain the high of being told how good you look. One time during the middle of my weight loss, my best friend Bree said “I feel like you’re skinnier every time I see you!” It filled my heart with joy to be able to say, “That’s because I am!” The small successes everyday is what keeps me going. Small choices like no cookie today makes me one step closer. I’m dying to see that magical number on the scale that means I’ve made it! I have now been dieting for 15 full months and I have no idea what it’s going to feel like to know I did it. I know that when I see the number it will be a relief, but at the same time I’m ready to eat this way the rest of my life. When I see that number, the sense of accomplishment will stay with me forever. Along the way I’ve set small goals, monthly goals or even sometimes just daily goals. The success of these small goals has lead me to facing down my biggest obstacle. Small things add up to big things. It is literally day by day! Celebrate the small things and eventually you’ll get there. If you don’t count the small successes along the way, the big goal at the end will always seem out of reach.